Sweating to the Oldies

I told this story at one of my shows awhile back, and I thought it would make a good post.

When I was in the seventh grade, I was a bit on the husky side. At the time my mother had a membership at a local health club. A health club is not something you would usually associate my mom with, mainly due to the fact that she is a big fan of the cigarettes.
Anyway she told me that if I lost ten pounds by my birthday, that she would get me a membership in her gym. In the seventh grade I was game for anything sounding even remotely adult, so I agreed (also I wasn't realizing that she was asking me to lose the equivalent of two sacks of sugar). I didn't eat lunch for two months, and slowly but surely was able to get down to health club weight by my birthday.

The Big Day!!!

Finally my birthday arrived, and the new slim trim me was anxious to get that gym membership. I hurried through the cake and ice cream, trying to speed up to the gift giving section of the party. Then my mother told me to waite while she went and got my present. A couple of minutes later she comes in with my birthday suprise- a nice new goat. That's right I said goat. I asked her what happened to the health club membership, and she said " Oh I quit that months ago". I was devastated.

This particular goat that she got me was a nanny goat. For those of you who don't know, a nanny goat is a mother goat that is full of milk. Seeing as it was my goat, it then became my duty to get up at five o'clock every morning and milk her before I went to school. The problem with getting up every morning at five o'clock to milk a goat, is that after awhile your mom assumes that you really like milking goats, and buys you another. Pretty soon your getting up at two o'clock in the morning so you can milk an entire herd of freaking goats. Don't ask me where all the baby goats where, because I don't know. She just kept showing up with these damn kidless goats that were full of milk.

And that my friends is why I drink.