Last night I was drunk and browsing through my e-mail, when I came across an anonymous message. Like I said I was drunk so there's a good chance it wasn't even my e-mail. The message was sent by someone who was in desperate need of advice, and after reading it I thought that this must be a sign that I should start an advice column right here on the blog. So if you are in need of advice just leave me something in the comment section.
Here's my first crack at advising the unadvised:
Dear Violent Farmers,
I have a dead end job. I'm stuck and I work
for an idiot. Do you have any advice?
help me
"Grouchy in the Midwest"
Dear Grouchy,
I'm glad you contacted me. I'm very familiar with this problem, and
thus am the perfect person to ask for advice (oh man did I just say thus? Ha).
First get your butt up out of that cubicle and march straight to your car. Drive to the corner of Oak street and Main. There is a large brick building on the corner, and I need you to go into the parking lot and go around to the back of the building. When you get there look up. There should be a Taco Bell like right there. I need you to grab three Gorditas and a Choco Taco. Bring those back to me, because dude I'm freakin trashed and I gotta get some grub or I will be one hurtin puppy in the morning if you know what I mean.
Oh yeah the job thing. Sorry.
A wise man once told me ( I think his name was Bud- ha, get it Bud-wise like the beer if you put an r on the end and spell it different- ha).
Any way, I was at a bar and this old wise man says,
"Whipper Snapper (he was really old), do you know how women and dog crap are alike?
The older they get the easier they are to pick up."
That advice has stuck with me ever since, and this my friend Grouchy is the advice that I'm bestowing upon you now. Go straight down to the local bar after work, find an old chick that looks really rich, and make her your sugar momma. Quit your job and live happily ever after. All you'll have to do is have sex with the old broad once in a while, and scrape the corns off her feet every three weeks or so.
Sincerely,
Paul & the Violent Farmers
ps- don't forget the Gorditas
pps- and the Choco Taco
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
14 comments:
Dear violent farmerz:
I too am stuck in a stoopid, dead end job. I have been doing the same brainless work for six years. I'm afraid I may get replaced with a monkey or a Roomba soon. Unfortunately, your advice didn't help me at all. For I am already married, thus, the rich chick scam won't help me.
My wife is a grad student.
I thought maybe I could ride it out until she starts pulling in the sweet professor pay, but then I realized that she is a grad student in English. So her phat professor pay will be about as lucrative as a part time pre-school teachers pay... In a home day care situation, that is. Which is to say, "not too fucking lucrative." And I don't see any big inheritance coming from either side of our families.
It's a damn good thing I love her. What am I saying. It's a damn good thing she loves me, the way I bellyache about work.
So, howzabout some advice for me...?
Signed: Stuck in a cozy office job that demands little, pays well, but is boring me to within an inch of my ever-lovin' life.
p.s. I'm very jeolous of big daddy. Maybe he could share some secrets pertaining to how to make this work once you're already married.
Did I say Jealous??? Ha. hardly covers it. I'm so eaten up with envy that I've pasted a picture of him to the urinal in my office so that I can take out my harsh feelings on him in a personal way.
Um... Jeff you should realy keep your fake name to less than a 1000 words.
Dear Drunk,
I'm a space monkey in need of lots of strawberry ice cream.
Over & out
I am very surprised because Oprah and Dr. Phil didn't order any food and they didn't recommend I commit adultery so I have decided I will use the site for all the advice I need to live my life.
Did you want fries with that???
What? Haven't you seen the wonders I've done with Grouchy? You should absolutely get my advice.
Came across this site while procrastinating at my silly, but totally necessary and probably door-opening job. Just starting out in the PR/Journalism field. As an English major and an all-around literary snob, I'd like to say that I appreciate your writing style. More power to the violent farmers!
I'm working on getting some kind of audio clip hooked up to my sight so you can hear what an authentic Paul & the Violent Farmers drunken love song sounds like. I hope I can get it hooked up soon, but I have no computer skills what so ever so it may take awhile.
Just went over the 2000 mark on my site meter. That flippin rocks.
Every time I take a bottle down and pass it around, there is always one less bottle on the wall. I have a phobia of running out, but can't quit taking them down. What should I do?
Dear Mr. Farmer Tan,
I keep shaving the shit off, but it keeps growing back. Normally it's not such a big deal, but right now now I'm looking for boring, stupid, dead-end job and the razors aren't freakin' cheap. What happens if you put Nair on your head? Is Nair expensive? What's you favorite beer under that's less than $.50 a bottle?
Dear Jealous,
The secret of my success lies in my innate ability to give my woman multiple orgasms. If you could give your wife eight or more Big O's in a single session, I'm sure she would get a second job and let you stay home all day to do what ever it is that you wish. There is more to pleasing your woman than sex, however. If you can do dishes, laundry, make beds, vacuum, change diapers, keep her car in running order, AND give her tantric bliss, then she will do anything you want. Can I get an Amen ladies?!
Amen
Dear Dive Goddess, $3 or $4 bucks ain't gonna buy you a razor that won't rip up your head. you got to put out at least ten smackers for a nice quattro razor.
Dear VF,
What would you recommend that I eat next?
Luv,
Diva
Post a Comment