Breath Test

So last night I had some major breath issues. I mean it was horrible. Apparently some time yesterday I ate a dead goat and it was coming back to haunt me. It wouldn't have been that bad if I would have been able to contain the beast with a stick of gum, but that Huba Bubba didn't even put a dent in it. I tried everything- gum, mints, brushing, flossing, but nothing would cut it. So I said screw it and went to the bar. I am happy to report that after 8 shots of tequila I couldn't smell a thing.

This does remind me of a dream I had where I met the guy who invented how to test your breath with your hand. He was a truck driver and he was all sorts of bent out of shape because he showed some hitch hiker how to do it and that guy in turn told everyone he knew, so now everybody in the world is walking around doing it and he doesn't get one thin dime for coming up with the idea. Then his truck driving momma grabbed me and we took off in his big rig.

Come to think of it, the night I had that dream I did 8 shots of tequila too.

Report: Violent Farmer Deported

Shanghi, China (Associated Press)- Singer/Songwriter/Illegal Immigrant Paul Shields has reportedly been deported by the United States Immigration and Naturalization Service. According to unverified accounts by people closely associated with the Sino-Celtic performer, Shields was "outed" by a group of Amish farmers who were reportedly upset by what they called "A slanderous account" of an incident that occurred between them and the man who calls himself the Violent Farmer. According to Shields' manager, Travis "Blog Daddy" Naughton, the artist embellished details of an incident in which he was having drinks with friends at a bar near Kansas City when a "transient gang of militant Pennsylvania Dutch" started questioning Shields' manhood in front of a lady friend, who eyewitnesses claim had no arms or legs. When Shields proposed that they solve their dispute with a "dance-off", the leader of the mysterious religious sect was intrigued. The men stepped outside into the parking lot and when Shields refused to squaredance, the band of violent farmers pummelled The Violent Farmer with high quality, hand crafted, wooden weapons.

According to Naughton, Shields believed he had put the incident was behind him last month when he was scheduled to kick off his 2006 world tour. That's when Naughton claims that the Amish gang alerted INS authorities to the immigration status of Shields. Shields was then allegedly deported to China, a country he had never lived in previously. Naughton speculated that Shields would have been happier being shipped to Ireland, his other native land, although he had never lived there either. "At least he would have had better beer there," Naughton said of the Emerald Isle. "I am trying desperately to find Paul in a country of one billion people. Its not easy. You try to find one particular Chinese guy in China. Its like trying to find a needle- no, a piece of hay in a haystack."

The Department of Homeland Security and the INS did not respond to attempts to verify the details of this story. Check back on this blog for further developments.