My Application For The Pop Culture World Series

THE WORLD SERIES OF POP CULTURE 2007
CONTESTANT APPLICATIONTAKE YOUR TIME & ANSWER HONESTLY, COMPLETELY and TYPE/PRINT CLEARLY

NAME: Paul Shields
AGE: 34
BIRTHDATE: 7-29-1972
COLLEGE ATTENDED/ING: Central Missouri State University
COLLEGE MAJOR: The Ladies
MARITAL STATUS: Single (please let the ladies know)
OCCUPATION: Singing Comedian
DESCRIBE YOUR JOB – I perform drunken love songs that flippin rock

DESCRIBE HOW YOU KNOW EACH OF YOUR TEAMMATES AND HOW THE THREE OF YOU DECIDED TO FORM A TEAM FOR THIS COMPETITION. Good friends. It was destiny. We watched season one and knew we could have destroyed any of the teams competing.

WHAT ARE 3 REASONS YOUR TEAM WANTS TO (OR SHOULD BE) A PART OF THIS COMPETITION?
1.We enjoy crippling others with our knowledge of Karate Kid I, II, III, and IV (TNKK)
2.We’re pretty sure there will be a movie deal for us some where (WE ARE THAT GOOD)
3. We need beer money

WHEN DID YOU REALIZE YOU WERE A POP CULTURE JUNKIE? HAS IT EVER EMBARRASSED (OR AFFECTED) YOU SOCIALLY? EXPLAIN. When I looked in my closet and realized I had the complete collection of Cindy Lauper trading cards all 152 (I can make the puzzle on back and everything), and also when I realized I knew every word to the “Charles in Charge” theme song, oh and I also dressed as Natalie from the “Facts of Life” for Halloween once. As far as embarrassing goes, please refer to the “Charles in Charge” theme song.

TELL US WHAT (IF ANYTHING) IS INTERESTING/CAPTIVATING ABOUT YOUR LIFE? Besides being a singing comedian, I also work at a Hazardous Waste Disposal Facility

YOUR TEAM DYNAMIC? Yes, we are very dynamic

YOUR OCCUPATION OR HOBBIES? Watching movies and disposing of hazardous waste

WHAT POP CULTURE ICON(S) DO YOU IDENTIFY WITH MOST? Jack Black man that dude rocks it just like me, also Skreech from "Saved by the Bell", if for no other reason than we both find Tori Spelling strangely attractive

If you could only have one tv series, one movie, and one album on a desert island, what would they be AND WHY? The tv series would be “Party of Five” because when it comes to family drama you can’t beat it, also I kind of have a thing for Jennifer Love HewittThe movie would be “Garfield 2- Tail of 2 kitties” because it freakin cracks me up, and I like the word play using Tail instead of Tale, also I kind of have a thing for Jennifer Love HewittAnd on the album I was gonna pick Paul Simons “Graceland” but then I though for a while and I’m now going with Jennifer Love Hewitt’s “BareNaked” (the Japanese import version with the bonus track)

What is your greatest tv memory from childhood? When I was little I thought I had some sort of weird tv super power where I would be thinking of a certain episode and it would come on, like one time when I was sitting in my room thinking how funny the episode of Brady Bunch was where Peter puts on a fake mustache to look older and it keeps falling off while he’s talking to some girls, and the next thing I knew that episode came on TV. Umm…Ok that may have been a little too much information- feel free to edit this part as you see fit.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITH THE MONEY IF YOU WON THE WORLD SERIES OF POP CULTURE? Beer!! Oh and we’d end world hunger

WHERE DOES THE MONEY RANK IN THE REASONS FOR ENTERING THIS COMPETITION? We’re here for the fame and glory, not the cash, and I’m pretty sure if people saw us on tv they would buy us free beer

HOW WOULD YOUR TEAMMATES BEST DESCRIBE YOU? Chinese with a huge head

HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE EACH OF THEM? They also have big heads, but they aren’t as Chinese as me

ARE YOU GLAD THIS IS A TEAM COMPETITION OR DO YOU THINK IT WOULD BENEFIT YOU IF IT WAS SINGLE PLAYER EVENT? Oh yeah I like the team aspect. We are also trying out for the Tag Team Mexican Wrestling tv game show, but were not as confident with that because none of us are wrestlers or Mexican

WHAT IS ONE FLAW YOUR TEAM HAS; SOMETHING THAT MAKES YOU NERVOUS IF YOUR TEAM WERE TO QUALIFY FOR THE WORLD SERIES OF POP CULTURE? We are not really strong on Vin Diesel movies

WHAT TOPIC / CATEGORY WOULD SHOCK YOU IF YOU MISSED QUESTIONS? (ie; 80s MOVIES? RAP LYRICS?) EXPLAIN WHY. It would shock me if I miss any questions on the Beatles or any women in prison movies

EACH OF YOUR TEAMMATES? It would shock me if Aimee missed any questions about New Kids On The Block and if Josh misseed any questions about Skating With The Stars

WHAT DID YOU THINK WHEN YOU WATCHED THE FIRST SEASON OF THE WORLD SERIES OF POP CULTURE? DID YOU THINK YOU WERE BETTER, WORSE, OR JUST AS GOOD AS THE TEAMS ENTERED? EXPLAIN WHY.We would have dominated every team out there, in fact I would blindfold myself when the show came on and still get all the questions right.

What did you think about the winning team last year, EL CHUPACABRA? Do you think they deserved to win? Is your team better than they were?You mean El-Chump-Acabra? Enough said

ARE YOU AVAILABLE WEDNESDAY MARCH 21- SUNDAY MARCH 25, 2007 TO BE FLOWN TO NYC FOR THE WORLD SERIES OF POP CULTURE TOURNAMENT? I'll clear my calander

POP CULTURE WORLD SERIES

My roommate Josh, Webmistress Aimee, and yours truly, have been accepted to compete in VH1's Pop Culture World Series!!! We travel to the Windy City on the weekend of February 3rd to kick some pop culture asses.

Now I need your help. Our original name was going to be "A Chinese Viking Named Aimee", but the name axers at VH1 rejected it, so they went with our back up "Domestic Blend". I think that name blows, so I've decided to have a contest to give our trio of dogooders a new name. It should probably have something to do with pop culture, but if it's catchy enough we'll go with anything.

...and if we use your name, you will receive a team shirt that proudly displays said name on the front.
This time you will for sure actually receive the prize, because VH1 says we gotta dress coordinated, so the shirts will have to be made.

Blog Daddy the Sweet Transvestite

Earth Calling Paul...

"Earth calling Paul. Come in, Paul. Do you copy?"

(Silence.)

"Violent Farmer this is Houston, we're having a hard time maintaining contact. Do you read us? Over."

(Silence.)

"Sir, we haven't received any communications from the Violent Farmer in quite some time. We think we may have lost 'em."

"Dammit, Jim I don't want to hear that kind of talk. Keep trying. I'm not ready to tell that boy's mother that we lost her son somewhere out there in cyber space and that you're tired of looking for him! Are you?"

"No sir! We'll keep trying, sir. Violent Farmer this is Houston, do you copy?"

(Static. Muffled screams. Whimpering.)

"Violent Farmer, we are picking up a faint transmission. Are you alright, Paul? Over."

"Mommy?" (Silence.)

"Sir, we established contact for a moment. We believe Captain Shields uttered the word 'mommy', sir."

"I was afraid of this. I saw this happen once during the Apollo years. Alien anal probe. Bastards. There's no hope for him now. He's damaged goods. He's on his own. Godspeed, Paulie."

"Violent Farmer, this is Houston. Uh, we just remembered we gotta be somewhere. I guess we'll see you around. Um, take it easy. Over."

(Static.) "Houston? Guys?! (Static.) Houston, I have a problem here. Houston?"

(Silence.)

"Well, you're no Lance Bass, but hey- when in Rome!...Which one of those appendages do I...OH!...Hello there Short, Green, and Slimy!"

New Post

I posted again on my blog, and by the way Paul, if I ever catch you cheating on me with Lance Bass, I will tear up you heart, no strings attached! No wait, I want you back!!!

Paul + Lance = 4-ever

The phone doesn't usually ring at our house at 2:00 in the morning. Whenever it does, it is almost always an intoxicated friend of mine trying in a pathetic way to convince me and himself that his bachelor ways are still the preferred lifestyle of choice. Last night was no exception. However, this particular caller was the most pathetic of them all.

None other than Paulie the Violent Farmer himself graced me with a call. As he slurred "hello" and "I love you man" I could readily tell that he had been downing his fair share of booze. Although I wasn't happy to be awakened at that hour, I was relieved to know that at least it was a long distance call and that a drunken high school buddy was not on his way over to harrass me until I agreed to go on a road trip with him. (That happened last month.)

"What's up, Paulie?"

"You're never gonna guess who I ran into tonight."

"You're right."

"Come on- I'll give you three guesses."

"Bill Clinton."

"No, but that would have been really cool."

"Pam Anderson and Kid Rock."

"Dude! Wouldn't that be awesome! I could have been in a threesome!"

"Totally awewsome."

"One more guess."

"Lance Bass."

"You just blew my mind, man! How did you guess?"

"I thought I heard N' Sync in the background."

"Wow, you've got a good ear for music."

"Oh, is that what we're calling it now?"

"Easy, man. That's my boy you're dissing."

"Your what?"

"I ran into Lance at a gay bar in KC earlier tonight. I was doing a set on "Open Mike" night and this dream-boat with frosted hair kept laughing at all my songs and making really good eye-contact."

"Lance Bass?"

"Yeah. Did you know he's gay?"

"I remember reading about it on your blog. Of course, you have not done a lot of blogging lately, so that really stood out."

"I know, I've been really busy. Anyway, apparently Lance reads my blog too and he found out that I was playing at the Blue Oyster Bar. He decided he was going to come meet the man who 'outed him' and give him a firm talking to."

"You?"

"Me. So after my set, Lance comes up to me and says, 'Are you the prick that called me out on the internet?' And I said, 'Yes, but I didn't mean to hurt you.' And he said, 'Its okay. I feel free to be myself finally. I should really thank you.' And I'm like, 'Really? You mean you're not mad?' And he's all, 'Not mad at all. In fact, I'm feeling a little frisky. You wanna go somewhere where we can talk?' And I'm all, 'Holy Shit! Lance freakin' Bass wants to talk to me! Somebody pinch me!' So we went back to his hotel."

"Wow! At the Ritz?"

"No, I think it was the I-70 Motor Inn. But it didn't matter. I was in Lance Bass's hotel room! Actually, I am still in Lance Bass's hotel room. Would you like to talk to him?"

"Well, I need to get up early tomorrow. Gotta feed the goats and-"

"This is Lance. Who is this?"

"Oh, I'm a friend of Paul's. I really didn't need to talk to-"

"What are you his boyfriend?"

"No. I'm a poker buddy and-."

"Poker, eh? That's funny 'cuz Paulie and I just played a few hands of poker: strip poker!"

"That's great. I really gotta go. Tell Paul I said-"

"Hey! Don't hang up! It's me again. Do me a favor."

"Okay."

"Tomorrow morning, Lance and I are gonna go back to L.A. and hang out at his crib. Could you post something on my blog to let people know that I'll be out of town and won't be blogging for a while? I don't want my fans to worry if they haven't heard from me."

"You can count on me. When will you be back?"

"I don't know if I will be back. I think I'm in love."

"Do me a favor- use condoms."

"They don't make them big enough for (giggling) 'Sir Lance-a-Lot'. That's what he told me to call him."

"Nice. Uh, hold on. What's that dear?! Okay, I'll be right there! I gotta go. My wife needs me. Well, have a good time, Paulie."

"Thanks, Trav. Lance! Get your tongue out of there!"

"And Paul, don't forget to check your blog tomorrow."

***FYI***

Lance Bass is Gay

What I've Learned

Saturday is my birthday. I'm turning 34 years of age. It doesn't seem like a long time, but when I look back I realize that I've learned a lot, so I thought I'd share with you some of the things I've learned in my almost 34 years.

Name: Paul Shields
Occupation: Singing Hazardous Waste Working Comedian
Born: 7-29-1972

What I've Learned:

Don't go on a drunken tree climbing spree

Do buy AFLAC insurance in case you fall out of a tree drunk at 2 in the morning

Don't mention the drunk part to AFLAC

Girls flirt with you to get you to buy them free drinks- I'm good with that

Monkeys wearing clothes are funny

Girl Scout cookies are so good that you could probably sell them for twice as much and make a profit

Selling Girl Scout cookies is harder than it looks- especial if you're a dude, and you're 33, and you don't have kids

Midgets make me laugh

If you slam a beer really fast you might cry at first, but it's totally worth the respect you get from the guy at the end of the bar

Don't go with the guy at the end of the bar when he wants you to follow him home so he can show you his pet "Snake"

Shower with a friend

Don't shower with the snake guy at the end of the bar

I like boobies

If someone starts a conversation and you have no clue what they are talking about, a good thing to do is just interrupt once in awhile and say "You aint whistling Dixie"

Learn to whistle Dixie

Wouldn't it be cool if you could read stuff while you sleep

Start a book club so you don't have to drink alone

If you didn't read the book a good thing to say would be "The character's didn't flesh out the plot very well" or "You aint whistling Dixie"

Learn to sleep erect

Practice what you preach

Don't preach- that way you don't have to practice- I hate practice

Invest 50% of your money in Lottery tickets- Yeah it's a crap shoot, but if you hit up then all the guys on your block without a brand new boat in there driveway(that they bought from Aimee at Sportsmans Outfitters in Lee's Summit, MO: 816-524-BASS) will be wishing they were you

Love yourself- at least 2 times a day, sometimes three if you're up late and that Girl Gone Wild commercial is on

And last but not least...

When milking goats a steady downward stroke is best

Breath Test

So last night I had some major breath issues. I mean it was horrible. Apparently some time yesterday I ate a dead goat and it was coming back to haunt me. It wouldn't have been that bad if I would have been able to contain the beast with a stick of gum, but that Huba Bubba didn't even put a dent in it. I tried everything- gum, mints, brushing, flossing, but nothing would cut it. So I said screw it and went to the bar. I am happy to report that after 8 shots of tequila I couldn't smell a thing.

This does remind me of a dream I had where I met the guy who invented how to test your breath with your hand. He was a truck driver and he was all sorts of bent out of shape because he showed some hitch hiker how to do it and that guy in turn told everyone he knew, so now everybody in the world is walking around doing it and he doesn't get one thin dime for coming up with the idea. Then his truck driving momma grabbed me and we took off in his big rig.

Come to think of it, the night I had that dream I did 8 shots of tequila too.

Report: Violent Farmer Deported

Shanghi, China (Associated Press)- Singer/Songwriter/Illegal Immigrant Paul Shields has reportedly been deported by the United States Immigration and Naturalization Service. According to unverified accounts by people closely associated with the Sino-Celtic performer, Shields was "outed" by a group of Amish farmers who were reportedly upset by what they called "A slanderous account" of an incident that occurred between them and the man who calls himself the Violent Farmer. According to Shields' manager, Travis "Blog Daddy" Naughton, the artist embellished details of an incident in which he was having drinks with friends at a bar near Kansas City when a "transient gang of militant Pennsylvania Dutch" started questioning Shields' manhood in front of a lady friend, who eyewitnesses claim had no arms or legs. When Shields proposed that they solve their dispute with a "dance-off", the leader of the mysterious religious sect was intrigued. The men stepped outside into the parking lot and when Shields refused to squaredance, the band of violent farmers pummelled The Violent Farmer with high quality, hand crafted, wooden weapons.

According to Naughton, Shields believed he had put the incident was behind him last month when he was scheduled to kick off his 2006 world tour. That's when Naughton claims that the Amish gang alerted INS authorities to the immigration status of Shields. Shields was then allegedly deported to China, a country he had never lived in previously. Naughton speculated that Shields would have been happier being shipped to Ireland, his other native land, although he had never lived there either. "At least he would have had better beer there," Naughton said of the Emerald Isle. "I am trying desperately to find Paul in a country of one billion people. Its not easy. You try to find one particular Chinese guy in China. Its like trying to find a needle- no, a piece of hay in a haystack."

The Department of Homeland Security and the INS did not respond to attempts to verify the details of this story. Check back on this blog for further developments.

Plan B

When Paulie's gig was cancelled due to Chamber of Commerce-perfect weather, the Violent Farmer said that he still wanted to get together. I pondered our options and started to run out of ideas when it hit me: What do people from Hannibal, Troy, and any other small town in Missouri do when they are bored? Burn shit and drink beer! So it was decided- we would all sit around a campfire at my house and consume some frothy beverages. It wasn't the same as watching Paulie on stage, but it was pretty fun none the less. The Violent Farmer even serenaded us a couple of times as did Jagua Piru. And Jerry couldn't stop praising me for the wonderful fire that I made. A good time was had by all- country style.

I guess I finally ended up using something that I learned in high school. I'm sure my teachers would be proud.

Four Men- Eight Gallons of Beer

Since the theme of this Blog is inebriation, I thought I would share with you my plans for my last weekend before venturing back into the world of employment. I, along with my good friends Grant, John, and Bill, will be doing our best to drain an eight gallon keg this evening. Our wives will be allowed to babysit the children (and us) instead of being forced to consume said intoxicants. Bill and his wife Abby have a one year old baby boy, Grant and Brenda are expecting their first child in September, and of course Bethany and I have Alex. In a remarkable display of male chauvanist behavior, the men-folk will be drinking, playing shuffleboard, and telling old war stories while the moms coddle the children, roll their eyes at us, and make sure we pass out in the right beds. The festivities are set to begin at 2:oo this afternoon and will end when either the keg gives up the ghost or our wives serve us with divorce papers.

I will dedicate this weekend to Paul & the Violent Farmers. I'll even propose a toast in your honor for being the inspiration for so many of my drunken exploits. And no, Jagua, the keg will not be filled with tasty, dark beer. I will have to settle for that watery swill that you and I have taken up arms against. I shall not cease to battle it until every last drop is gone. You have my word.

New Deja Vu Gig

OK, I have a new gig on Friday, May 12th at the Deja Vu Comedy Club in Columbia, MO.

Like last time, this one will be on the patio so it's WEATHER PERMITTING. Hopefully I have better luck with the rain this time.

I'm scheduled to play at 9:00 til 10:00 and then again around 10:30 til 12:00. That's a lot of time for me to cover, and I was hoping maybe Jigua Piru was off that night and possibly able to help me out.

Paul "David Copperfield" Shields Pulls Disappearing Act

Reuters- Paul Shields, a singer/songwriter/comedian/Asian famous for performing raunchy and uproarious ballads often with homoerotic themes has been missing since St. Patrick's Day/Aimeefest, according to a statement released today by his manager. Talent agent Travis "Blog Daddy" Naughton told the news service that his client has not been heard from since a night of revelry that occurred nearly one month ago. "Paul is a resilient guy. He will find his way home soon. I know in my heart that he is safe someplace. Probably in the cab of an eighteen wheeler hitching a ride with a friendly trucker to go visit his girlfriend."

Shields has reportedly "disappeared" for weeks on end before, leaving his fans to speculate about his whereabouts and his well-being. "I heard him talking about this chick he saw on 'Jerry Springer' that didn't have any arms or legs that he went ga-ga over," longtime fan Mike Hunt recalls. "He said she was an angel and that he had to meet her." Authorities believe Shields' quest for the "Torso Girl" is the reason for his periodic disappearances. According to witnesses, Shields fell in love with the woman at the drop of his Dale Earnhardt, Jr. commemorative Daytona 500 hat.

"Its troubling that he is gone at this important time," Naughton continued. "I just sent out a bunch of demos and publicity packets to some high profile venues to jumpstart his career. I expect the phone to be ringing off the hook at any moment with offers for appearances." Critics of Blog Daddy Management International believe that Naughton himself may be the source of Shields' mysterious absence. "Travis is a sleaze of the worst kind. He'll do anything to promote his clients- and I mean anything," rival talent agent Seymore Butz remarked. "One time he staged his own assassination during a speech he delivered while running for the office of Student Council President in high school. He actually had his friends stand up with realistic looking cap guns during a school assembly and pretent to shoot him while his 'bodyguards' fired back and whisked away his 'lifeless' body. That would get you arrested and expelled in this day and age. The bastard won the damned election! During the school's talent show, he smashed an acoustic guitar on stage and threw the splintered pieces into the crowd after performing a death metal version of 'Mary had a little lamb.' The sonofabitch won that, too. Oh, he's a promoter allright. Hell, I remember when the singing/songwriting/comedy business had class. Then Naughton came in with that Violent Farmer hack of his and really stunk up the industry. There's no room for their kind of filth in this business. If we let people like them spread their disgusting messages about trucker-love and stalking helpless torso ladies, then where will our country be? We'll all be giving truckers oral pleasure and obsessing over limbless women, that's where we'll be."

Paul Shields- Are You Ready to be a Superstar?!

As Paul & The Violent Farmers' manager and promoter, I have begun a campaign that will launch the career of our favorite Farmer into the laugh-o-sphere. I call it the "2006 I Wrote This When I Was Drunk World Tour". I have narrowed the list of venues in Columbia that are capable of showcasing Paul's emmense talent to eight. Obviously, the content of Paul's material makes it very important to find venues where positively no children will be present. These places include comedy clubs, night clubs, and strip clubs. I have written letters to the talent coordinators and club owners of these establishments and included a copy of Paul's demo CD (with a parental advisory warning) as well. Hopefully, we will begin receiving overwhelming responses as soon as next week.

I am sorry it took so long to get the ball rolling, Paulie. My only excuse is that I have the mental capacity and attention span of a gnat. After we conquer Columbia, we'll set our sights on the rest of the world. Buckle up...its going to be one helluva ride!

Blog Daddy-Scavenger Hunter

I thought someone should set the bar for others to reach for in the St. Paddy's/Aimeefest Scavenger Hunt. Here is my effort (before even heading to the bars.)

1. Pack of mints (in hand).
2. Plunger
3. Button (Says "Happy St. Patty's Day" instead of "Kiss Me I'm Irish")
4. I.D. (in hand) proving my last name is Irish (Naughton was Mac Naughton in the old country.)
5. Camoflage bandana
6. Eye patch
7. Green underwear (with shamrocks)
8. And I am a dirty old man.

That's eight items without leaving the house. Now let's see who can top that. May the luck of the Irish be with you.

The List

Here is the scavenger Hunt list so far. Final plea for more ideas


Miscellaneous
pack of mints
plunger
wallet with a chain
anything with "Git er Done"
picture of a monkey
"Kiss Me I'm Irish" button
Condom

ID Required
Irish name
porno/ stripper name
birthday today

Appearances
green make-up
green jewelry
unibrow
comb-over/ toupee
tattoo of someone's name
tattoo of an animal
mullet

Attire
camouflage
eye patch
green underwear

Look Alike
Dirty Old Man
Hooker
Kenny Rogers
Wynona Judd

Stunts
person w/ whole fist in their mouth
person can touch nose with tongue
piggy back riders
pole dancer
team signs someone's body

Birthday Girl
lap dance
body shot

Aimeefest 2006

As I've mentioned in previous posts Friday is not only St. Patty's day, but also the Aimsters B-Day. Last year she was toast drunk by 9:00, and I hope to help keep with that tradition again this year. As normal we will be bar hopping, but this year I think we are going to put a little twist on the festivities, in the form of a "Drunken Bar Hopping Scavenger Hunt".
At each bar we are going to be split into teams with a list of stupid stuff to find. Here is were I could use a little help- what do I put on the list? Here are a couple of things I was thinking about:

Green Underwear (extra points if its a bra and panties both)
Mullet (extra points if its a female)
Uni-Brow (extra points for a female)
Kenny Rogers (again extra points for a female)
Piggy Back Riders (extra points if its a dude ridding on a girls back)
Animal tattoo (extra points if it's a cartoon animal- Tweety Bird, Mighty Mouse, etc.)


So anybody else got some ideas?

Chinese, Blacks, and Irish Unite!

What do Chinese-Americans and Irish-Americans have in common? The obvious answer is their love of beer. Paul is a drinker of the Asian Persuasion while I imbibe in the Style of the Emerald Isle. Aside from our mutual love of intoxicants, our forefathers shared a common past in the history of America. As the slavery of African-Americans was outlawed, the railroad industry was being born. Cheap labor was needed to build the massive rail system, so Chinese and Irish immigrants as well as "freed" African slaves were indentured into servitude by the money-hungry railroad companies. This part of American history has never been honored by an official, commemorative holiday. Until now.

On March 17th, everyone in America and various parts of the world will be Irish for a day. This is of course because of St. Patrick's Day. It only makes sense that an Irish-Catholic holiday be turned into an excuse for everyone to drink green beer. I use the occasion to celebrate my Irish heritage and to pay homage to the sacrifices my people made when they came to America. The Chinese-Americans and African-Americans don't really have a beer-bash holiday to commemorate their ancestors' contribution to the development of the American West, so I invite them to share in the festivities of St. Patrick's Day as well. I say that Irish-Americans, African-Americans, and Chinese-Americans share a lot of history and I think that it is high time we share a holiday.

On March 17th, raise your glass of green beer or Irish whiskey to honor our uniquely American twist on the St. Patrick's Day holiday. Raise your drink and make a toast to the Paulies, Colins, and Travises of the world and all of the other Chinese-African-Irish-American people who will unite for one special night of over-drinking and revelry. (Note to Paul and Colin: Saying "Kiss me, I'm Irish" to every girl in the bar will eventually meet success. That's what they call it "the luck of the Irish!" Just don't offer to show them your leprechaun.)

OK, I Finished the Story

I finally completed the "Boots Are Made for Walking , Annie Lennox Cult" story, but for some reason it showed up before Aimees part 1.5. So you have to go back two post to read it.

Part II of the Tale of the These Boots Are Made For Walking Annie Lennox Cult

Ok this is part two so make sure you read the previous post first, or you may be a little lost. You know what screw it, I experienced the story and I'm still lost just keep on reading. Also another warning, there is a good chance that this story is going to end up being pretty damn anti-climactic.


Like I said before I was drunk, and this old guy has just invited us into his "Magic Room". All of the old guys girls seem to get excited when he proposed this idea, so I went along with them secretly hoping in the back of my mind that the "Magic Room " was similar to the "Champagne Room" at the strip club (In case my mom is reading-I've never actually been to a strip cub, I've just heard stories). Inside the room were 4 or 5 statues of some Egyptian Pharaohs, and a bunch of other Egyptian artifacts (they all looked really fake) that he said came off of the set of the movie "The Mummy". The room wasn't very large and had what looked like a Black Jack table as the centerpiece. He then tells us to take a seat around the table, because he was going to do some card tricks. What? The "Magic Room" was actually for doing magic? What happened to the "Champagne Room" I was hoping for? So we sat down and the guy pulls out a deck of cards. Once we were seated, the door opens and another girl (this one is an older gal) comes in dress in a mini skirt and hooker boots, with that same damn Annie Lennox hair cut. Now I'm really starting to think something weird is going on. At least before I could have passed the outfits off as their going out to the club clothes, but now here comes this lady in her 40's who hasn't been out at all- with the same outfit as the girls. My head was now spinning trying to figure out what was going on. The only thing I could think of was that maybe they were prostitutes, and this old guy was their pimp? If this was the case why were all the girls standing away from us and why would the pimp be getting ready to do magic? I decide to just go with the flow, and see if I can collect some more information.

The old guy proceeds to do like 45 min. of tricks. He does a bunch of card tricks, some trick with a match and some deal where he makes little nerf balls appear and disappear. After each trick his girls all oohh and ahhh, as if they've never seen him do any of this before. Also again I notice that the old guy is still concentrating every thing he does around the girl in my group of friends. Like I said he does this for a little over 45 min. and then suggest that we play a little game of Strip Poker. Huh? Did I just hear that right? At this point I speak up and voice my concerns that there was only one girl at the table and he had just got done pulling whatever card he wanted from thin air. Then the girl that was with us also speaks up and let's the old guy know that she does not want to get naked. I could tell by his face that the old guy didn't like the fact that our friend wasn't budging on the getting naked thing. Then the old guys says not to worry that just the guys are going to be playing and whoever wins gets to pick the girl of their choice to do a striptease for everyone. I thought that this might get some resistance from the "These boots are made for walking crew", but they just stood there smiling. Now this was more like how I had envisioned it. I told him to deal the cards.
Old guy deals the cards and when all said and done my "Player" friend wins the hand. I crossed my fingers and tried with all my might to send my friend a message with my mind, "pick the Asian chick, pick the Asian chick, pick the Asian chick,...". Apparently I don't have mental telepathy because he picked that Annie Lennox girl that he had a hankering for. Damn! That's ok, because I still realized that if one of the girls was getting naked then there was a good chance that all of the girls would get naked (except my friend who was still sticking to her guns on the getting naked part).
Now here's a part that I forgot to mention. At one point during the night one of my friends had told the old guy that I wrote and sang these stupid ass drunk songs, so the Annie Lennox girl puts a stipulation on the nakedness that I had to sing a song before she would dance. I was not in the mood to at all to sing basically do to the fact that I didn't want the girls to get out of the getting naked mood, so I said I couldn't because I didn't have a guitar (this is my standard response when I don't want to sing and just want to watch naked chicks dance). But low and behold the old guy says no problem and orders one of the girls to go get me a guitar. Crap, not what I had planned.
Now the old dude ushers us all off to his den. The den basically consisted of a big screen TV, two large couches and a desk. The Asian girl at this point is still not sitting by me or even acknowledging my presence. My hopes are still high that the Annie Lennox girl dancing will spring her into more of a friendly mood. Anyway the older boots are made for walking girl comes back with guitar for me to throw down some fresh tunes on. So I get up and start playing "BadHair Day" for everyone. When I finish I look at my Annie Lennox- old man audience for a reaction. Crickets. No one said a word they all just sat there staring at me. Then one of my friends tells me to play "Road trip", and I try my best to just sit down but Annie Lennox tells me she ain't dancing unless I can sing a better song. So grimacing I play through a quick rendition of "Road Trip". More crickets. More grimacing from me. Then the old guy says that that song would be great if the lyrics were different. More grimacing from me. Then he says that I better play another song if I want ole' Annie to dance. At this point I wasn't really giving a crap whether Annie danced or not, but I could see the pleading look in my "Player" friends eyes so I pulled some love song out of my ass and played it (forgetting like half the words). Then I got the "much better" sign from Annie Lennox who apparently was now ready to get her dance on.
My "Player" friend was now flippin giddy like a school girl. His eyes got all big and he was sitting on the edge of his seat with his hands clasped together waiting for the show. She tossed a CD into the player and got into a hands on hips Wonder Woman pose waiting for the music to start. Then from out of the speakers came this Solid Gold Deon Warwick song that made Annie start tapping one of her feet. Then she put both her hands together in front of her face and raised them as high as she could in the air and then capped the move off with Jazz Hands down to her side again. Then she took one leg and kicked up and touched her hand, in the process flashing an underwear shot at the "Player" who pretty much wet himself right there. Then she did the same thing with the other leg. She then proceeded to unzip her top halfway (which showed absolutely no skin), and I could tell the "Player" was doing his damnedest to keep himself under control. She continued to flail around the floor doing what I can only describe as these cheerleader on crack moves, until the song came to an end and she ended with more Jazz Hands and finely settling into the Wonder Woman pose again. Once she was done with her weird crazy dance the old man, all his women, and the "Player" burst into applause. Now I was thinking that she was going to do another song (one where she actually got naked or showed a nipple or something), but instead she excused herself and left the room. Immediately afterwards the old man got up and left in the same direction as Annie Lennox. Now I was debating on whether or not to ask the Asian girl if she had a dance of her own, but then thought better of it when I noticed that the remainder of the girls were ignoring us and talking amongst themselves to the side. So I just sat there. After about 15 minutes the "Player" (still beaming from Annie Lennox's dance show) inquires as to what could have happened to the old man and Annie. The girls just continue to ignore him. 15 more minutes pass and still no Annie or old man. "Player" is about to go crazy, and I'm just looking at him pitifully. At this point it's just to weird for me, so me and my group of friends decided that it's time to leave. So we all get up (even the "Player" begrudgingly) and head for the door. The Asian girl looks up and says something as we walk by, but we just keep on walking not even turning around. We walk straight to the garage and get in the car. As we head toward the exit (all of us with our fingers crossed that the gate wouldn't be locked), the "Player" says he's feeling kind of sick from the drink that the old man made for him. Then I breath a sigh of relief as we pull through the gate that is still wide open.

Tale of the- These Boots Are Made For Walking, Annie Lennox Cult -Part 1

Have any of you guys ever been abducted by a cult? I'm just asking because I'm pretty sure that's what happened to me Saturday night. I can't say for certain that it was a cult, so I'll just spin my tale and let you decide (this is a long story so I'm going to make it into a two parter because I'm a slow typer, hope you don't mind)

It was Saturday night and I was drunk.
I was at one of the local bars that stay open until three o'clock with three of my friends. I noticed a very attractive Asian girl checking me out while she was dancing. At this point I asked one of my friends to verify that this girl was indeed checking me out and not my drunk eye playing tricks on me again (I have been known to think every girl in the bar is checking me out when the drunk eye kicks in). He confirmed that this girl did appear to be setting her attentions on me. Now, I would like to describe how this girl was dressed- she had on a mini- mini -mini skirt, with tall Nancy Sinatra hooker boots. I personally was a big fan of her choice of attire.
After the song was finished the girl walked over to her table where there was an older fat guy, whom she started leaning on, and two other girls. One of the girls was bleach blonde and had her hair cut short so she looked like a young Annie Lennox, and the other was a brunette with the same short Annie Lennox cut.
This is when one of my friends who fancies himself a "Player", decides that he has taken a liking to the Annie Lennox girl, and goes over to their table to show off his "Game". Apparently the "Game" is working because he is talking to everyone at the table for like 10 minutes. Then he starts walking back towards me with the Asian girl. She tells me her name and asks if I'd like to dance. Being the gentleman that I am I agree, and take her out to the dance floor where she proceeds to grind on me like a stripper pole. I was taken by surprise, but again being the gentleman I am, I decided not to protest. After the song she heads back over to hang on the old guy again, and I go back to my table. My "Player" friend then tells me that the old guy wants us to come over and party with him and the girls after the bar closes. I put in my vote for yes.

So after the bar closes we follow the old guy and the girls for about 5 miles where we come to a big gate. The gate opens and it appears as if we are going to be driving into a lake, until the road dips straight down and I realize that we are not going into, but under the lake. These big garage doors open and I'm speechless because I realize that we are now driving down a long garage with an entire lake right on top of us.
When we come to the end of the garage, and everyone gets out of their cars, I then realize some thing weird I didn't notice before- all the girls that are with the old guy are wearing mini skirts and hooker boots, just like the Asian girl. I pass it off as a coincidence.
Now here is another important part of the story- one of my three friends I came with happens to be a girl. Right after we get out of our cars the old guy starts paying attention and talking only to the girl that came with us. It was apparent that the guy liked her a lot. He led us into his place and started showing us around. The place was huge. It was like an under-lake office building. He had a big greenhouse, were he was breeding some kind of fish (he said they bred them to eat, but he had funny smile when he said it so looking back I'm not so sure). He also gave the "Player" some personal wine that he had made from his vineyard up top. The walls were littered with various pictures of him from newspaper clippings and one from a n old magazine cover. He said he was the third richest man in North America (the dude definitely had some cash, but I wasn't buying the third richest thing). At this point I noticed that the Asian girl hadn't talked to me since we entered the place, in fact she was standing away from us in a pack with the old dudes other girls.
After he showed us the greenhouse and a couple of other rooms with more pictures of him, he says he wanted to show us his "Magic Room". Ok, at this point I probably should have put on the brakes and headed back to the car, but like I said in the beginning I was drunk(plus I still had a delusions of making out with the Asian chick).

to be continued...

Web Site Remodeling

Have you guys checked out my main website lately? That old one was getting a little boring, so the Aimster gave it a new look for me. She even put up some new pics (Seamhead I think you are actually in a couple). Give it a look and let me know what you think, and if you have any suggestions I'd love to hear 'em.

No Wonder Your Dad Wears an Eye Patch

It's finally up. If you click on "samples of my tunes" in the links section of the blog and your not still dialing up, you should be able to listen to the very first drunken contribution song "No Wonder Your Dad Wears an Eye Patch".

Also I have a gig at the Trouser Mouse in Blue Springs, MO on 2-11-6. Not sure what time yet but I'll keep you up to date (It will definitely be in the evening)

Also, freakin write some damn drunken haiku, or I think Aimee is going to stop posting.

post for the first time
but I got no responses
damn violent farmers

I posted something new on my blog!

Check out my blog for a new post and my first contest. A prize is involved!!!
http://laughbases.blogspot.com/

Last Saturday Gig

This is a really small pic of me at a gig I had in the mighty town of Oak Grove last Saturday.
It was the first one I've done with my new guitar, so I was kind of excited until I got there and they didn't have the right equipment to let me plug in, so I didn't get to display the whole electric side of the new Martin.

I did play "No wonder your dad wears an eye patch" for the first time in public. It went over pretty good. Hopefully I'll be able to get it recorded and up on myspace for you to hear soon.

What the F- - -?

What the hell is happening? The other day I saw a commercial for a new reality series. Personally I am a fan of reality TV shows. Where else am I going to have the chance to see Mini Me standing on his motorized chair bare ass naked pissing in a corner after Peter Brady got him all drunked up on two glasses of wine. That's just great TV, I don't care who you are. But I was watching Football and this commercial comes on for this new reality show called Skating with Celebrities. What? Have we officially opened up the gates of hell. Ladies and gentlemen may I introduce the four horsemen of the apocalypse- Pestilence, War, Famine, and Skating with Celebrities. Who came up with this idea? Who held this big meeting and goes "Hey you know what sport is really popular? Figure Skating!!" or "Hey you know what celebrities we should get- Dave Coulier and Todd Bridges" or even better who convinced these guys that Dave Coulier and Todd Bridges are celebrities?

Well I for one am not going to take it. And to foil their obvious attempt to make people turn off their TV and do something constructive, I have decided to call their bluff and watch every damn episode. They won't know what hit 'em. In fact I'm encouraging everyone out there reading this to tune in and do their part to fight the TV killers with me. As a matter of fact I'm going to start a "Drunken Skating with Celebrities Fantasy League". There's six teams of two made up of one pro skater, and one psudo celebrity. I'm taking Jillian Barberie & John Zimmerman (?) as my team and I'm putting an official Paul & the Violent Farmers T-Shirt on it. I need five more players. Who want's to help me fight the Man? First come first serve on the teams. Just take your pick.

Violent Farming for the Masses

Paul Shields, meth lab cleaner-upper. Paul Shields, entertainer. Which do you think sounds more appealing for our favorite Violent Farmer? Unless he can make a living singing his songs, Paulie will be forced to earn his living by cleaning up meth labs. He isn't sure if he will be disposing of the labs after the police discover them in raids or if he will be picking up pieces of them after the trailers they are hidden in explode. Either way, it doesn't sound like a "dream job" to me. As of this weekend, I am officially Paul and the Violent Farmers' manager. I may even print up some business cards! I will book the gigs so Paul can concentrate on creating and performing his tunes. He is sending me a copy of his demo CD so I can get the ball rolling for him soon. With any luck, Paul will be making his mark in the music/comedy world while I'm living off the royalties to my first book deal. Look out world! Maybe my next book will be "The Unauthorized Autobiography of Paul and the Violent Farmers," co-written by the Man himself. Wait'll they get a load of us, Paulie. Wait'll.

Drunken Resolution Week 1

Ok, my first attempt at meeting someone new didn't work as smoothly as I had planned.
On New Years Eve I took my first stab at fulfilling my new Years resolutions. There was this extremely attractive gal (you may have to get used to most of my reports starting this way) that appeared to be sitting alone for most of the night. I took it upon myself to make this girl my first resolution victim. After I took a seat beside her I realized that I had made a huge mistake in the order in which I made my resolutions. I know now that I need to switch my order and make sure I haven't fully accomplished the getting drunk resolution until after finishing the meet a new pearson resolution. I'm not sure exactly what I said to her, and I am pretty sure she didn't know what I was saying either. This lasted for about two minutes before she excused herself to go to the restroom and then never came back. I think her name was Tina.

On Monday (I needed a day for recovery), I sucked it up and set back out on my journey to fulfill my New Years resolution. This time I was determined to make sure I didn't surpass the coherent speech phase of drunkenness until after I had a chance to find my new person to talk to. I looked around for my customary hot chick sitting by herself, but when I couldn't find one I settled for the hot waitress that was bringing me drinks instead. The waitress told me her name was Jasmine, which I don't think was her real name, but then again maybe it was- hell I don't know all that was registering at the moment was that she was hot and talking to me. Jasmine proceeded to spin tales of wondrous drunken hilarity that had me on the edge of my seat thinking "man this chick is hot". My trance was soon broken when I heard three guys holler over the microphone (did I mention it was a karaoke bar?) that their next song was dedicated to the best damn waitress in the world- Jasmine. Apparently Jasmine had a fan club. I don't remember the song (something by Warrant maybe?), but the sentiment was beautiful and had me secretly wishing that I was the one singing " I don't need to be a Superman as long as that girls still my biggest fan" to Jasmine instead of these dudes.
Oh man just kidding, anyway these three guys get up to sing this song to Jasmine and she starts telling me this story about how the three guys singing got all toasted one night and started doing the whole Jasmine fan club thing. She then convinces all three of the singing amigos that she thinks that guys that wear eye liner are hot and that they should let her fix their faces up, to which they agree wholeheartedly. I guess she just starts painting the shit out of their faces with makeup until one of them steps up and says "Hey this ain't my color!! I know cause my mom sells Mary Kay".
After that story my heart went out to the three members of Jasmine's singing fan club, and I stood up and applauded Warrant like no one has applauded a Warrant song before.

Violent Farmer AWOL in '06

(AP) Blue Springs, MO- Singer/songwriter/comedian Paul Shields has not been seen or heard from by the fans of his world famous blog "I Wrote This When I Was Drunk" since late 2005, sources tell the Associated Press. Shields, who's legend was built upon fights with the Amish, infatuations with midgets, and oral sex with truck drivers while under the influence of Tequilla, the national drink of his native country China, has not posted on his blog in weeks. Worried followers are concerned that his New Year's celebrations may have left him in a precarious state- like Nevada. "I know in my heart that Paulie's OK," longtime fan Seymor Butz told reporters at a vigil outside an internet cafe where fans gather to read Shield's blog. "The really great artists sometimes go out into this crazy world to find inspitration. Sometimes they don't come back, but I believe Paul will find whatever it is he's looking for- like a fifth of Cuervo or something- and then he'll return. We need that dude."

Several high profile entertainers in the singer/songwriter/comedian industry are planning an event to raise awarness in the case of the missing Violent Farmer. Weird Al Yankovic, Adam Sandler, and Michael Bolton are a few of the artists slated to perform. "We want to let everyone out there know that Paul's in our thoughts and prayers and that we won't rest until we bring him home," event organizer Michael Jackson stated. A date has not been set for a concert, but several artists who have artificially extended their careers by singing songs for charity have reportedly been spotted going into Quincy Jones's "We are the World" studios. Insiders say that a possible title for the song is "We'd Blow a Trucker to Get You Blogging Again."

The photo is an outdated one of Paul provided by his family and approved by Michael Jackson.