What I've Learned

Saturday is my birthday. I'm turning 34 years of age. It doesn't seem like a long time, but when I look back I realize that I've learned a lot, so I thought I'd share with you some of the things I've learned in my almost 34 years.

Name: Paul Shields
Occupation: Singing Hazardous Waste Working Comedian
Born: 7-29-1972

What I've Learned:

Don't go on a drunken tree climbing spree

Do buy AFLAC insurance in case you fall out of a tree drunk at 2 in the morning

Don't mention the drunk part to AFLAC

Girls flirt with you to get you to buy them free drinks- I'm good with that

Monkeys wearing clothes are funny

Girl Scout cookies are so good that you could probably sell them for twice as much and make a profit

Selling Girl Scout cookies is harder than it looks- especial if you're a dude, and you're 33, and you don't have kids

Midgets make me laugh

If you slam a beer really fast you might cry at first, but it's totally worth the respect you get from the guy at the end of the bar

Don't go with the guy at the end of the bar when he wants you to follow him home so he can show you his pet "Snake"

Shower with a friend

Don't shower with the snake guy at the end of the bar

I like boobies

If someone starts a conversation and you have no clue what they are talking about, a good thing to do is just interrupt once in awhile and say "You aint whistling Dixie"

Learn to whistle Dixie

Wouldn't it be cool if you could read stuff while you sleep

Start a book club so you don't have to drink alone

If you didn't read the book a good thing to say would be "The character's didn't flesh out the plot very well" or "You aint whistling Dixie"

Learn to sleep erect

Practice what you preach

Don't preach- that way you don't have to practice- I hate practice

Invest 50% of your money in Lottery tickets- Yeah it's a crap shoot, but if you hit up then all the guys on your block without a brand new boat in there driveway(that they bought from Aimee at Sportsmans Outfitters in Lee's Summit, MO: 816-524-BASS) will be wishing they were you

Love yourself- at least 2 times a day, sometimes three if you're up late and that Girl Gone Wild commercial is on

And last but not least...

When milking goats a steady downward stroke is best