Paul + Lance = 4-ever

The phone doesn't usually ring at our house at 2:00 in the morning. Whenever it does, it is almost always an intoxicated friend of mine trying in a pathetic way to convince me and himself that his bachelor ways are still the preferred lifestyle of choice. Last night was no exception. However, this particular caller was the most pathetic of them all.

None other than Paulie the Violent Farmer himself graced me with a call. As he slurred "hello" and "I love you man" I could readily tell that he had been downing his fair share of booze. Although I wasn't happy to be awakened at that hour, I was relieved to know that at least it was a long distance call and that a drunken high school buddy was not on his way over to harrass me until I agreed to go on a road trip with him. (That happened last month.)

"What's up, Paulie?"

"You're never gonna guess who I ran into tonight."

"You're right."

"Come on- I'll give you three guesses."

"Bill Clinton."

"No, but that would have been really cool."

"Pam Anderson and Kid Rock."

"Dude! Wouldn't that be awesome! I could have been in a threesome!"

"Totally awewsome."

"One more guess."

"Lance Bass."

"You just blew my mind, man! How did you guess?"

"I thought I heard N' Sync in the background."

"Wow, you've got a good ear for music."

"Oh, is that what we're calling it now?"

"Easy, man. That's my boy you're dissing."

"Your what?"

"I ran into Lance at a gay bar in KC earlier tonight. I was doing a set on "Open Mike" night and this dream-boat with frosted hair kept laughing at all my songs and making really good eye-contact."

"Lance Bass?"

"Yeah. Did you know he's gay?"

"I remember reading about it on your blog. Of course, you have not done a lot of blogging lately, so that really stood out."

"I know, I've been really busy. Anyway, apparently Lance reads my blog too and he found out that I was playing at the Blue Oyster Bar. He decided he was going to come meet the man who 'outed him' and give him a firm talking to."

"You?"

"Me. So after my set, Lance comes up to me and says, 'Are you the prick that called me out on the internet?' And I said, 'Yes, but I didn't mean to hurt you.' And he said, 'Its okay. I feel free to be myself finally. I should really thank you.' And I'm like, 'Really? You mean you're not mad?' And he's all, 'Not mad at all. In fact, I'm feeling a little frisky. You wanna go somewhere where we can talk?' And I'm all, 'Holy Shit! Lance freakin' Bass wants to talk to me! Somebody pinch me!' So we went back to his hotel."

"Wow! At the Ritz?"

"No, I think it was the I-70 Motor Inn. But it didn't matter. I was in Lance Bass's hotel room! Actually, I am still in Lance Bass's hotel room. Would you like to talk to him?"

"Well, I need to get up early tomorrow. Gotta feed the goats and-"

"This is Lance. Who is this?"

"Oh, I'm a friend of Paul's. I really didn't need to talk to-"

"What are you his boyfriend?"

"No. I'm a poker buddy and-."

"Poker, eh? That's funny 'cuz Paulie and I just played a few hands of poker: strip poker!"

"That's great. I really gotta go. Tell Paul I said-"

"Hey! Don't hang up! It's me again. Do me a favor."

"Okay."

"Tomorrow morning, Lance and I are gonna go back to L.A. and hang out at his crib. Could you post something on my blog to let people know that I'll be out of town and won't be blogging for a while? I don't want my fans to worry if they haven't heard from me."

"You can count on me. When will you be back?"

"I don't know if I will be back. I think I'm in love."

"Do me a favor- use condoms."

"They don't make them big enough for (giggling) 'Sir Lance-a-Lot'. That's what he told me to call him."

"Nice. Uh, hold on. What's that dear?! Okay, I'll be right there! I gotta go. My wife needs me. Well, have a good time, Paulie."

"Thanks, Trav. Lance! Get your tongue out of there!"

"And Paul, don't forget to check your blog tomorrow."