Conspiracy Theory

Wayne Newton was never in Canada in 1961. So it would appear impossible that he could have conceived KD Lang- the Canadian born songstress who looks eerily similar to the Vegas icon, as per Paulie's theory. However, there is another possibility to consider. Where was Lang's mother in February, 1961? If KD was born on November 2nd, then she was likely conceived on or around February 2nd. Where were Audrey Lang and Wayne Newton on Groundhog Day 1961? After extensive online research, I have determined than no one can confirm the location of either of these people. Therefore, it is reasonable to conclude that they were in fact attending the Groundhog Day festivities in Punxsutauney, Pennsylvania that day. My research indicates that Punxutauney Phil saw saw his shadow at 7:41 that morning. The temperature was 25 below zero at that time. My theory is that while the revelers were witnessing the reluctant marmoset being coerced from its burrow in the freezing weather, two strangers huddled in a coffee house across the street to escape the cold. A conversation took place and a brief, yet torrid love affair ensued. Revealing that she was married, Audrey rebuffed the advances of the "Danka Schoen" crooner. Devasted, Newton went back to Las Vegas and in the following weeks and recorded what would be known by music historians as his "Dark Album."

Due to the overwhelming volume of this convincing evidence I think it is reasonable to conclude that The Violent Farmer's theory that KD Lang is the love child of Wayne Newton is true. (Note to Ms. Lang's and Mr. Newton's attourneys: It was all Paulie's idea.) Now you know.

The Newton- Lang Files

A couple of months ago while channel surfing, I happened upon a documentary on Wayne Newton. The odd thing (besides the fact that I stopped on a Wayne Newton Documentary)is that up until about 5 minutes before it was over I thought I was watching a special on KD Lang. The resemblance was uncanny. The hair, the face, the posture, the breasts it was all amazingly eerie. Could it be? Was I the only one that noticed? Had anyone ever seen these two powerhouses of the music world in the same place at the same time? I was convinced that Wayne Newton and KD Lang were one and the same person. I set out to prove my hypothesis correct, and in the process possibly bust open perhaps the best kept secret in entertainment.

I started and ended my research where every sleuth worth his sleuthing badge would have started- on Wikipedia. Upon reading the first line, I found out that Wayne was born in Virginia in 1942, which threw a major wrench in my theory, because KD was born almost 20 years later in Canada!! Uhggggg!! One line into my Wika research and every idea I had was shot full of holes. I started brainstorming. I didn't sleep for days. This couldn't just be an odd coincidence could it? Was I imagining it all? That's when it came to me. All these sleepless nights with hours upon hours of worrying, and I finally realized that my ideas weren't crap, I just hadn't put them together in the right order yet. This was something bigger than I had originally thought. This was going to put me on the gumshoe map. this is something so big, that if this post isn't erased and confiscated by the CIA 24 hours after I post it, I'll be very, very surprised. So hold on to your seats, because here is the dark secret that I have finally uncovered:

Wayne Newton is KD Lang's mother!!!!!!!!!!

Didn't I tell you it would be amazing? That's exactly how I felt when I realized what I had uncovered. This would have put Wayne at about 19 years old, which is his "Chubby" phase, or what I realize now was his "Pregnant" phase. Now all I need is some hard evidence that puts Wayne in Canada around 1961. So if anyone reading this has some ticket stubs or Hotel bills that may help support my findings, please e-mail me.

Next I set out to prove that Wayne Newton is actually the chick that sings "I want a hippopotamus for Christmas"