The Newton- Lang Files

A couple of months ago while channel surfing, I happened upon a documentary on Wayne Newton. The odd thing (besides the fact that I stopped on a Wayne Newton Documentary)is that up until about 5 minutes before it was over I thought I was watching a special on KD Lang. The resemblance was uncanny. The hair, the face, the posture, the breasts it was all amazingly eerie. Could it be? Was I the only one that noticed? Had anyone ever seen these two powerhouses of the music world in the same place at the same time? I was convinced that Wayne Newton and KD Lang were one and the same person. I set out to prove my hypothesis correct, and in the process possibly bust open perhaps the best kept secret in entertainment.

I started and ended my research where every sleuth worth his sleuthing badge would have started- on Wikipedia. Upon reading the first line, I found out that Wayne was born in Virginia in 1942, which threw a major wrench in my theory, because KD was born almost 20 years later in Canada!! Uhggggg!! One line into my Wika research and every idea I had was shot full of holes. I started brainstorming. I didn't sleep for days. This couldn't just be an odd coincidence could it? Was I imagining it all? That's when it came to me. All these sleepless nights with hours upon hours of worrying, and I finally realized that my ideas weren't crap, I just hadn't put them together in the right order yet. This was something bigger than I had originally thought. This was going to put me on the gumshoe map. this is something so big, that if this post isn't erased and confiscated by the CIA 24 hours after I post it, I'll be very, very surprised. So hold on to your seats, because here is the dark secret that I have finally uncovered:

Wayne Newton is KD Lang's mother!!!!!!!!!!

Didn't I tell you it would be amazing? That's exactly how I felt when I realized what I had uncovered. This would have put Wayne at about 19 years old, which is his "Chubby" phase, or what I realize now was his "Pregnant" phase. Now all I need is some hard evidence that puts Wayne in Canada around 1961. So if anyone reading this has some ticket stubs or Hotel bills that may help support my findings, please e-mail me.

Next I set out to prove that Wayne Newton is actually the chick that sings "I want a hippopotamus for Christmas"