Conspiracy Theory

Wayne Newton was never in Canada in 1961. So it would appear impossible that he could have conceived KD Lang- the Canadian born songstress who looks eerily similar to the Vegas icon, as per Paulie's theory. However, there is another possibility to consider. Where was Lang's mother in February, 1961? If KD was born on November 2nd, then she was likely conceived on or around February 2nd. Where were Audrey Lang and Wayne Newton on Groundhog Day 1961? After extensive online research, I have determined than no one can confirm the location of either of these people. Therefore, it is reasonable to conclude that they were in fact attending the Groundhog Day festivities in Punxsutauney, Pennsylvania that day. My research indicates that Punxutauney Phil saw saw his shadow at 7:41 that morning. The temperature was 25 below zero at that time. My theory is that while the revelers were witnessing the reluctant marmoset being coerced from its burrow in the freezing weather, two strangers huddled in a coffee house across the street to escape the cold. A conversation took place and a brief, yet torrid love affair ensued. Revealing that she was married, Audrey rebuffed the advances of the "Danka Schoen" crooner. Devasted, Newton went back to Las Vegas and in the following weeks and recorded what would be known by music historians as his "Dark Album."

Due to the overwhelming volume of this convincing evidence I think it is reasonable to conclude that The Violent Farmer's theory that KD Lang is the love child of Wayne Newton is true. (Note to Ms. Lang's and Mr. Newton's attourneys: It was all Paulie's idea.) Now you know.