Reuters- Paul Shields, a singer/songwriter/comedian/Asian famous for performing raunchy and uproarious ballads often with homoerotic themes has been missing since St. Patrick's Day/Aimeefest, according to a statement released today by his manager. Talent agent Travis "Blog Daddy" Naughton told the news service that his client has not been heard from since a night of revelry that occurred nearly one month ago. "Paul is a resilient guy. He will find his way home soon. I know in my heart that he is safe someplace. Probably in the cab of an eighteen wheeler hitching a ride with a friendly trucker to go visit his girlfriend."
Shields has reportedly "disappeared" for weeks on end before, leaving his fans to speculate about his whereabouts and his well-being. "I heard him talking about this chick he saw on 'Jerry Springer' that didn't have any arms or legs that he went ga-ga over," longtime fan Mike Hunt recalls. "He said she was an angel and that he had to meet her." Authorities believe Shields' quest for the "Torso Girl" is the reason for his periodic disappearances. According to witnesses, Shields fell in love with the woman at the drop of his Dale Earnhardt, Jr. commemorative Daytona 500 hat.
"Its troubling that he is gone at this important time," Naughton continued. "I just sent out a bunch of demos and publicity packets to some high profile venues to jumpstart his career. I expect the phone to be ringing off the hook at any moment with offers for appearances." Critics of Blog Daddy Management International believe that Naughton himself may be the source of Shields' mysterious absence. "Travis is a sleaze of the worst kind. He'll do anything to promote his clients- and I mean anything," rival talent agent Seymore Butz remarked. "One time he staged his own assassination during a speech he delivered while running for the office of Student Council President in high school. He actually had his friends stand up with realistic looking cap guns during a school assembly and pretent to shoot him while his 'bodyguards' fired back and whisked away his 'lifeless' body. That would get you arrested and expelled in this day and age. The bastard won the damned election! During the school's talent show, he smashed an acoustic guitar on stage and threw the splintered pieces into the crowd after performing a death metal version of 'Mary had a little lamb.' The sonofabitch won that, too. Oh, he's a promoter allright. Hell, I remember when the singing/songwriting/comedy business had class. Then Naughton came in with that Violent Farmer hack of his and really stunk up the industry. There's no room for their kind of filth in this business. If we let people like them spread their disgusting messages about trucker-love and stalking helpless torso ladies, then where will our country be? We'll all be giving truckers oral pleasure and obsessing over limbless women, that's where we'll be."
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