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Last Saturday Gig

This is a really small pic of me at a gig I had in the mighty town of Oak Grove last Saturday.
It was the first one I've done with my new guitar, so I was kind of excited until I got there and they didn't have the right equipment to let me plug in, so I didn't get to display the whole electric side of the new Martin.

I did play "No wonder your dad wears an eye patch" for the first time in public. It went over pretty good. Hopefully I'll be able to get it recorded and up on myspace for you to hear soon.

What the F- - -?

What the hell is happening? The other day I saw a commercial for a new reality series. Personally I am a fan of reality TV shows. Where else am I going to have the chance to see Mini Me standing on his motorized chair bare ass naked pissing in a corner after Peter Brady got him all drunked up on two glasses of wine. That's just great TV, I don't care who you are. But I was watching Football and this commercial comes on for this new reality show called Skating with Celebrities. What? Have we officially opened up the gates of hell. Ladies and gentlemen may I introduce the four horsemen of the apocalypse- Pestilence, War, Famine, and Skating with Celebrities. Who came up with this idea? Who held this big meeting and goes "Hey you know what sport is really popular? Figure Skating!!" or "Hey you know what celebrities we should get- Dave Coulier and Todd Bridges" or even better who convinced these guys that Dave Coulier and Todd Bridges are celebrities?

Well I for one am not going to take it. And to foil their obvious attempt to make people turn off their TV and do something constructive, I have decided to call their bluff and watch every damn episode. They won't know what hit 'em. In fact I'm encouraging everyone out there reading this to tune in and do their part to fight the TV killers with me. As a matter of fact I'm going to start a "Drunken Skating with Celebrities Fantasy League". There's six teams of two made up of one pro skater, and one psudo celebrity. I'm taking Jillian Barberie & John Zimmerman (?) as my team and I'm putting an official Paul & the Violent Farmers T-Shirt on it. I need five more players. Who want's to help me fight the Man? First come first serve on the teams. Just take your pick.

Violent Farming for the Masses

Paul Shields, meth lab cleaner-upper. Paul Shields, entertainer. Which do you think sounds more appealing for our favorite Violent Farmer? Unless he can make a living singing his songs, Paulie will be forced to earn his living by cleaning up meth labs. He isn't sure if he will be disposing of the labs after the police discover them in raids or if he will be picking up pieces of them after the trailers they are hidden in explode. Either way, it doesn't sound like a "dream job" to me. As of this weekend, I am officially Paul and the Violent Farmers' manager. I may even print up some business cards! I will book the gigs so Paul can concentrate on creating and performing his tunes. He is sending me a copy of his demo CD so I can get the ball rolling for him soon. With any luck, Paul will be making his mark in the music/comedy world while I'm living off the royalties to my first book deal. Look out world! Maybe my next book will be "The Unauthorized Autobiography of Paul and the Violent Farmers," co-written by the Man himself. Wait'll they get a load of us, Paulie. Wait'll.

Drunken Resolution Week 1

Ok, my first attempt at meeting someone new didn't work as smoothly as I had planned.
On New Years Eve I took my first stab at fulfilling my new Years resolutions. There was this extremely attractive gal (you may have to get used to most of my reports starting this way) that appeared to be sitting alone for most of the night. I took it upon myself to make this girl my first resolution victim. After I took a seat beside her I realized that I had made a huge mistake in the order in which I made my resolutions. I know now that I need to switch my order and make sure I haven't fully accomplished the getting drunk resolution until after finishing the meet a new pearson resolution. I'm not sure exactly what I said to her, and I am pretty sure she didn't know what I was saying either. This lasted for about two minutes before she excused herself to go to the restroom and then never came back. I think her name was Tina.

On Monday (I needed a day for recovery), I sucked it up and set back out on my journey to fulfill my New Years resolution. This time I was determined to make sure I didn't surpass the coherent speech phase of drunkenness until after I had a chance to find my new person to talk to. I looked around for my customary hot chick sitting by herself, but when I couldn't find one I settled for the hot waitress that was bringing me drinks instead. The waitress told me her name was Jasmine, which I don't think was her real name, but then again maybe it was- hell I don't know all that was registering at the moment was that she was hot and talking to me. Jasmine proceeded to spin tales of wondrous drunken hilarity that had me on the edge of my seat thinking "man this chick is hot". My trance was soon broken when I heard three guys holler over the microphone (did I mention it was a karaoke bar?) that their next song was dedicated to the best damn waitress in the world- Jasmine. Apparently Jasmine had a fan club. I don't remember the song (something by Warrant maybe?), but the sentiment was beautiful and had me secretly wishing that I was the one singing " I don't need to be a Superman as long as that girls still my biggest fan" to Jasmine instead of these dudes.
Oh man just kidding, anyway these three guys get up to sing this song to Jasmine and she starts telling me this story about how the three guys singing got all toasted one night and started doing the whole Jasmine fan club thing. She then convinces all three of the singing amigos that she thinks that guys that wear eye liner are hot and that they should let her fix their faces up, to which they agree wholeheartedly. I guess she just starts painting the shit out of their faces with makeup until one of them steps up and says "Hey this ain't my color!! I know cause my mom sells Mary Kay".
After that story my heart went out to the three members of Jasmine's singing fan club, and I stood up and applauded Warrant like no one has applauded a Warrant song before.

Violent Farmer AWOL in '06

(AP) Blue Springs, MO- Singer/songwriter/comedian Paul Shields has not been seen or heard from by the fans of his world famous blog "I Wrote This When I Was Drunk" since late 2005, sources tell the Associated Press. Shields, who's legend was built upon fights with the Amish, infatuations with midgets, and oral sex with truck drivers while under the influence of Tequilla, the national drink of his native country China, has not posted on his blog in weeks. Worried followers are concerned that his New Year's celebrations may have left him in a precarious state- like Nevada. "I know in my heart that Paulie's OK," longtime fan Seymor Butz told reporters at a vigil outside an internet cafe where fans gather to read Shield's blog. "The really great artists sometimes go out into this crazy world to find inspitration. Sometimes they don't come back, but I believe Paul will find whatever it is he's looking for- like a fifth of Cuervo or something- and then he'll return. We need that dude."

Several high profile entertainers in the singer/songwriter/comedian industry are planning an event to raise awarness in the case of the missing Violent Farmer. Weird Al Yankovic, Adam Sandler, and Michael Bolton are a few of the artists slated to perform. "We want to let everyone out there know that Paul's in our thoughts and prayers and that we won't rest until we bring him home," event organizer Michael Jackson stated. A date has not been set for a concert, but several artists who have artificially extended their careers by singing songs for charity have reportedly been spotted going into Quincy Jones's "We are the World" studios. Insiders say that a possible title for the song is "We'd Blow a Trucker to Get You Blogging Again."

The photo is an outdated one of Paul provided by his family and approved by Michael Jackson.