Gently Holding the Baton for a Short Period

Yep. Call the authorities. I do exist. It's me, the infamous Josh. I know many of you, mostly Roger, began to think that me posting was as likely as Pauls Columbia show not getting rained out. But, after Rogers invitation, I decided that perhaps it was time. Just what to post about I am unsure of, so I decided that I would do what I do best, bitch. Lets begin with gas prices. I'm not going to bitch about how high they are, but I am going to bitch about WHY they are so high? Granted the fact that we will soon run out of fossil fuels quicker then you can say "Bulldoze more Alaskan Tundra" but the biggest reason, or so I believe, that gas prices are so high is because of those soccer moms who feel the need to drive an SUV the size of a greyhound bus. Seriously, do you know that Fords full size SUV "Excursion" is over 20 feet long. You could seriously get lost in that thing. Why don't people just start to drive RV's everywhere? So while I'm filling up my 30cc Toyota Corolla, Billy the neighbor kids Mom has just drove 3.3 feet and it's time to go back to the gas station. And here I am paying higher gas prices because of it. Do you realize they charge these prices because we let them. Lets move on. I'm I the only one who is extremely angry about the 1,600 + American men and women who have died in Iraq? Didn't the Bush crime family declare mission accomplished 2 years ago. Enough is enough. Our president has broken the law, went against the U.N., and has made the liberals of America look like godless bastards, and no one is upset? I guess since he didn't cheat on his wife we cant impeach him.

Sorry to bring negative thoughts to the blog, but that's all I could think to post. Thanks for reading.

Sweating to the Oldies

I told this story at one of my shows awhile back, and I thought it would make a good post.

When I was in the seventh grade, I was a bit on the husky side. At the time my mother had a membership at a local health club. A health club is not something you would usually associate my mom with, mainly due to the fact that she is a big fan of the cigarettes.
Anyway she told me that if I lost ten pounds by my birthday, that she would get me a membership in her gym. In the seventh grade I was game for anything sounding even remotely adult, so I agreed (also I wasn't realizing that she was asking me to lose the equivalent of two sacks of sugar). I didn't eat lunch for two months, and slowly but surely was able to get down to health club weight by my birthday.

The Big Day!!!

Finally my birthday arrived, and the new slim trim me was anxious to get that gym membership. I hurried through the cake and ice cream, trying to speed up to the gift giving section of the party. Then my mother told me to waite while she went and got my present. A couple of minutes later she comes in with my birthday suprise- a nice new goat. That's right I said goat. I asked her what happened to the health club membership, and she said " Oh I quit that months ago". I was devastated.

This particular goat that she got me was a nanny goat. For those of you who don't know, a nanny goat is a mother goat that is full of milk. Seeing as it was my goat, it then became my duty to get up at five o'clock every morning and milk her before I went to school. The problem with getting up every morning at five o'clock to milk a goat, is that after awhile your mom assumes that you really like milking goats, and buys you another. Pretty soon your getting up at two o'clock in the morning so you can milk an entire herd of freaking goats. Don't ask me where all the baby goats where, because I don't know. She just kept showing up with these damn kidless goats that were full of milk.

And that my friends is why I drink.

Another Try at Passing the Baton

Ok, Ok. I'll try again. Sorry about that last baton pass. I didn't know he'd say 'Our fair Paul.' I didn't know he'd write 'Mianmar.' Even if he could spell it I still wouldn't know where the hell it is. And I sure as hell didn't know he liked flannel sheets. And for those who asked, sorry guys, he's married to a woman.

If you guys still want to do it, we can set him on fire. I don't want to see him in a loin cloth again though. Once, Once.

So, let's try someone new. Josh are you there? Are you afraid to post? Don't be. If it sucks we'll just make fun of you and call you names. That's not so bad is it?

Paulie and I also took the extraordinary steps of inviting our blog pal Howdy aboard. Mainly, because he likes making fun of Jeff almost as much as we do.

Also, I will finally post something good over the long weekend. I've been working on a tale about the myriad ways Paulie has been shot down by women.

Passing the Baton

I have been unable to fulfill my duties as designated poster. It's not because of all the charges the police have filed against me. I'm just a lazy bastard. However, I am innocent of all the charges.

So I'm passing the baton to Jeff. He whined like a lonely puppy to get on the contributor list, and we've only seen one crappy post out of him. He hasn't even come close to winning a haiku contest either. Let's try to get something out of him.

Speaking of the contributors, who is this freakin' Josh dude? Has anyone ever read a post or a Haiku by him? Does he really exist? I heard he was a cow bell player, but that may have been a rumor.

I apologize for being a lazy bastard. I hope Jeff isn't as lazy because God knows he's an ugly bastard. I'd hate to be both.

I'll leave you with some drunken haiku.

Handsome Chamorro
that lazy bastard has a
beautiful bald head

Rain, Rain, Go Away

Sorry about not posting for awhile, I was busy crying in my beer over yet another show cancellation due to the weather. I haven't got a definite on when my show will be rescheduled yet, but I know it won't be until a couple of weeks when the college kids get back in town. In the meantime I think I'm going to hit a couple of open mic nights at the comedy club here in Kansas City, so I don't get to rusty.

I'm still having the drunken haiku contest though, so please keep sending those haiku in (so far I only have one).

Seamhead where is your post?
If you don't get a post in within a couple of days, I'm going to have to move on to the next contestant. You don't want that do you?



Hand stretched out waiting
for the first rain drop to fall
and crap on my show



Keep on Keepin on

We Have a Mimeku Winner!!!

Mime for a girlfriend
she's great in the sack, but I
think she's faking it

by- Aimee


Thank heavens, we can now stop writing haiku about mimes.

Aimee you now join the other weekly winners at a chance to win the big prize. I'm not sure what that prize is going to be, but it's going to rock.
This weeks haiku subject is anything you want except for mimes. No mimes!! If anyone writes about mimes they are off my cool person list, and it will take a hell of a lot of ass kissing to get back on.

Now that the nasty mime thing is out of the way, it has come to my attention that I haven't been posting very often. I apologize for this, and in an effort to have my blog change more often I am going to propose another contest.
I am going to appoint a new person every week to make a post to this blog, and with the help of everyone's comments and criticisms I will pick the best one to give an even bigger prize than the haiku prize. There are no rules to the posting, but you should be drunk when you write it.

And the privilege of being the first contest poster goes to Seamhead.
Good luck seamhead just post something and we will tell you if it sucks.

Keep the haiku coming