And They Called It Puppet Love

This was an actual article writen for a dating web site, that was sent to me a while back. I decided to put this to the test and my results follow the article.



"Dating Tips of the Week" FOR March 26, 2000

How to Meet and Attract Single Women with the "Puppet Method"
This is probably the craziest dating tip of the week I've ever written. And please don't think I've lost my mind because of what I'm about to suggest to you as a great way to meet and attract single women for love and romance. So what is it?

Well, did you know you could meet single women like crazy by using a hand puppet? I know you're thinking, "what in the hell is he talking about? A puppet?"

Let me explain - Well, I've got a friend that uses what I call, "The Puppet Method" to meet single women in nightclubs. Here's how he does it:

1. First, you will need a hand puppet. You can buy them at your major toy stores such as Toys R Us.

2. Bring your hand puppet with you to a nightclub where there are lots of single ladies.

3. When you see a girl that you're attracted to, approach her and tap her on the shoulder lightly with your puppet and when she turns around raise your hand puppet towards her face and say something like this with your puppet, "Hi beautiful, would you like to dance with me?" Move your puppet up and down with your hand as you are saying your script just as if the puppet was really talking. And be sure to talk in a real silly voice.

What happens next? She's going to die laughing and think that you are so funny. Plus, you will make a very favorable impression on her because women love a guy with a sense of humor. And, of course, she will most likely dance with you.

I know this method of meeting single women seems a little silly, but try it. It works like a charm for my friend and it can work for you too.

P.S. You don't just have to use the "Puppet Method" in nightclubs to meet and attract single women. You can use your hand puppet anywhere to talk to women. Believe me, they will be laughing so hard they can hardly stand it!

Be sure and visit: http://www.getgirls.com/manchap.htm - for four FREE chapters from our best-seller called, "A Man's Guide to Women." This is probably the best book ever written on understanding women and how to deal with them.




TESTING THE METHOD




Hey guys I tried the "Puppet Method", and I wanted you to know that it does work. Here’s what happened:

I was drunk at the bar when I decided that I would test out the "Puppet Method". It was late, I was drunk, and the "Ogling Your Breast" method wasn’t working, so I figured I had nothing to lose.

The problem was that I had forgotten my puppet at home that day, so I went to plan B. I made a fist and drew a funny face on the side. I then fashioned a pirate hat out of a napkin and taped it on top of my hand. I do a great funny pirate voice, so I knew that a pirate puppet was the way to go.

I then went up to the first girl I saw and put the "Puppet Method" in to action.

Step #1.

I put my fist pirate up by her head and tapped her on the shoulder.

Step #2.

When she turned to look I moved my pirate fist in an up and down motion,

Step #3.

And in my funniest pirate voice said "Arrrrr lassie Ye be beautiful, would Ye care to dance Arrrr".



She did not laugh hysterically.

Apparently she had been in a wood chipper accident when she was little, and had a hook for a hand. Because of this she thought the whole pirate thing was making fun of her hand. I immediately went to plan C. I told her that it was not a pirate puppet at all, but an Australian puppet with a rain hat.

She laughed hysterically

She then grabbed my hand and led me to the dance floor. Everything was going good until she decided to rub her fingers through my hair while we were dancing. The problem was that she had a hook for a hand and didn’t have fingers. It was hurting my head so I asked her to stop, but she wouldn’t (apparently hook hand girls don’t get a lot of dates). I could feel blood start to clump up in my hair, so I asked her again to stop, this time in my funniest Australian rain hat puppet voice.

She laughed hysterically,

She tried to move her hook hand, but it had gotten stuck in my shirt collar and imbedded deeper into my skull.

Later on when I arrived at the Emergency Room, I checked in at the front desk. The nurse gave me some paperwork to fill out, and told me she would call my name when they were ready. On the way back to my seat I noticed that the children’s ward was having a puppet show.

I laughed hysterically.



So you see the "Puppet Method" does work, and if it hadn’t been for that damn hook hand I think I would have gotten laid too.

New Show

T-Shirt Caption Contest

Ok, my Haiku contest didn't go so well, and your winner is:

"Blog Daddy"

This is mainly due to the fact that he is the only one besides me that entered. Congratulations Blog Daddy you out Haikued me and for your prize you will receive one of the brand new "Paul & The Violent Farmers" T-Shirts, which brings me to my next contest: "Write the caption for the new Paul & the Violent Farmers contest"

I have a connection for getting the shirts made so all I need to do is pick which of the following pictures to use and what the caption should be. If I like your idea and I use your idea, then you get a T-Shirt free.

And here you go with #1 the worlds fattest Twins on Mini Bikes:





or

#2 This Kid:

Tipsy Haiku

Twenty-Two

Lindsay Lohan is
An obnoxious, drunken slut.
I think I like that.



Twenty-Three

Brittney Freakin' Spears
Is a bald, obnoxious slut.
I'm not into that.


Twenty-Four

Paris Hilton is
A tall, drunk, obnoxious slut.
That sounds about right!

Haiku-Guru

Twenty

A word of advice
Do NOT ever let a goat
Belch straight in your face


Twenty-One

I'm sure that Satan
Is having a lot of fun
With Jerry Falwell

New Haiku

Eight
Imus in the morn
telling it like it is to
nappy headed hos

PVF

Nine
Fat cops and hundreds
of cats. The things you see while
cleaning up meth labs

PVF

Ten
Braided Mohawk love
squeaky voiced hula dancer
vote for Sanjia

PVF

Eleven
If I were real old
I'd sit and remember when
cheese was called butter

PVF

Twelve
Clad in orange jumpsuit
catwalking down the lunch line
work it Miss Hilton

PVF

Thirteen
Rain glistens off trees
beautiful rainbows appear
Barry Bonds head is huge

PVF

Haiku For The Ladies

Six

Chugging down a beer
now only an empty glass
tears come to my eye

PVF


Seven

I wear husky pants
with an elastic waistband
all for the ladies

PVF

Get Your Haiku On

Eight

Samuel Adams
Brews a pretty tasty beer
For a dead person

Nine

I just watched a show
Called "World's Most Beautiful Twins"
I'm married to one

Ten

Paul needs to appear
On the "Bob and Tom Show" soon
He's their cup of tea

Eleven

According to Bill
"They say that a cucumber
Makes the best pickle."

Twelve

Things I've done while drunk:
Once, I lost a gamble fart
I hate losing those.

Thirteen

You can call me "Coach"
My son is playing t-ball
Weep for the future

Fourteen

I remember when
Paulie blogged every day
No wait, that was me

Fifteen

The most prolific
Haiku-er in the whole world
Drinks Boulevard Beer

Sixteen

Fat, drunk, and stupid
Is no way to go through life
Mister Blutarsky

Beer Goggle

Five
Hunchbacked and cross eyed
not enough booze in the world
to drink you pretty

PVF

Haiku You

Drunken Haiku Redo

Two
Last night I dreamt I
had balloons for feet, I think
I'm drinking to much

PVF


Three
Blog Daddy chimes in
between fuel efficient cars
and Asian babies

PVF

Four
fat guy in a suit
two times to small, bending down
and letting er rip

PVF

Drunken Haiku Renew

Ok I have a request for a resurrection of the drunken Haiku contest.
This time around it's gonna go a little different. I am going to attempt to write a drunken Haiku a day for one year- That's 365 Drunken Haiku total.

You may recall me telling you about my last attempt at a Haiku a day with my friend Amy, but for those who weren't on the Violent Farmer band wagon yet here is my original post:

Friday, March 18, 2005
My Drunken Haiku Corner
For those of you who were asleep during the haiku chapter in school, I will give you a quick lesson (for those of you who were awake- why?)
Haiku is some sort of ancient Asian poetry (Japanese maybe? Who knows?), that is made up of three lines. The first line has has five syllables, seven syllables on the next line, and five again on the last line. Pretty easy.

A couple of years ago I was drunk at a bar with my friend Amy, and in our drunken stupor we made a pact to write a haiku each day and e-mail them to each other for one year. It sounded like a good idea at the time, but then again we were drunk.
It sucked. We made it for about two weeks, before we decided to just do seven haiku at the end of the week instead of e-mailing one each day.
One weeks later we decided to cut our year down to six months, and to just e-mail them when we had time.
Two weeks after that we decided to just stop and spend more time at the bar.




...well that was my original post way back then, and damn it I'm gonna do my best (and Amy is on board too) to get it done this time, and I'm inviting everyone to give it a shot with us.

I know that in the past prizes have been offered up and not sent(you will get those prizes sometime damn it), but with this one I will give my personal drunken assurance that on the 365th day I will send the winner a shinny new Violent Farmers T-Shirt and CD.

I realize that not everyone can get to a computer everyday and post(I will be one of them), so all I require is that you number your Haiku so I know how many you've completed, and the one with the most Haiku by day 365 wins I don't care when you get them to me, just leave them as a comment.


OK here goes Drunken Haiku 2 Electric Bugaloo

One

Haikuing again
dedicating this one to
Anna Nicole's Kid

Paul and The Violent Farmers


One

I am gonna crack
My decisions are not mine
in my robot world

Amy-Pee Pants