Conspiracy Theory

Wayne Newton was never in Canada in 1961. So it would appear impossible that he could have conceived KD Lang- the Canadian born songstress who looks eerily similar to the Vegas icon, as per Paulie's theory. However, there is another possibility to consider. Where was Lang's mother in February, 1961? If KD was born on November 2nd, then she was likely conceived on or around February 2nd. Where were Audrey Lang and Wayne Newton on Groundhog Day 1961? After extensive online research, I have determined than no one can confirm the location of either of these people. Therefore, it is reasonable to conclude that they were in fact attending the Groundhog Day festivities in Punxsutauney, Pennsylvania that day. My research indicates that Punxutauney Phil saw saw his shadow at 7:41 that morning. The temperature was 25 below zero at that time. My theory is that while the revelers were witnessing the reluctant marmoset being coerced from its burrow in the freezing weather, two strangers huddled in a coffee house across the street to escape the cold. A conversation took place and a brief, yet torrid love affair ensued. Revealing that she was married, Audrey rebuffed the advances of the "Danka Schoen" crooner. Devasted, Newton went back to Las Vegas and in the following weeks and recorded what would be known by music historians as his "Dark Album."

Due to the overwhelming volume of this convincing evidence I think it is reasonable to conclude that The Violent Farmer's theory that KD Lang is the love child of Wayne Newton is true. (Note to Ms. Lang's and Mr. Newton's attourneys: It was all Paulie's idea.) Now you know.

The Newton- Lang Files

A couple of months ago while channel surfing, I happened upon a documentary on Wayne Newton. The odd thing (besides the fact that I stopped on a Wayne Newton Documentary)is that up until about 5 minutes before it was over I thought I was watching a special on KD Lang. The resemblance was uncanny. The hair, the face, the posture, the breasts it was all amazingly eerie. Could it be? Was I the only one that noticed? Had anyone ever seen these two powerhouses of the music world in the same place at the same time? I was convinced that Wayne Newton and KD Lang were one and the same person. I set out to prove my hypothesis correct, and in the process possibly bust open perhaps the best kept secret in entertainment.

I started and ended my research where every sleuth worth his sleuthing badge would have started- on Wikipedia. Upon reading the first line, I found out that Wayne was born in Virginia in 1942, which threw a major wrench in my theory, because KD was born almost 20 years later in Canada!! Uhggggg!! One line into my Wika research and every idea I had was shot full of holes. I started brainstorming. I didn't sleep for days. This couldn't just be an odd coincidence could it? Was I imagining it all? That's when it came to me. All these sleepless nights with hours upon hours of worrying, and I finally realized that my ideas weren't crap, I just hadn't put them together in the right order yet. This was something bigger than I had originally thought. This was going to put me on the gumshoe map. this is something so big, that if this post isn't erased and confiscated by the CIA 24 hours after I post it, I'll be very, very surprised. So hold on to your seats, because here is the dark secret that I have finally uncovered:

Wayne Newton is KD Lang's mother!!!!!!!!!!

Didn't I tell you it would be amazing? That's exactly how I felt when I realized what I had uncovered. This would have put Wayne at about 19 years old, which is his "Chubby" phase, or what I realize now was his "Pregnant" phase. Now all I need is some hard evidence that puts Wayne in Canada around 1961. So if anyone reading this has some ticket stubs or Hotel bills that may help support my findings, please e-mail me.

Next I set out to prove that Wayne Newton is actually the chick that sings "I want a hippopotamus for Christmas"

KU Farce

This is a video from earlier this year during March Madness. After the video there are some good outtakes worth watching too.

$3 a Day Ramen Diet Day 8

I pooped Ramen today.

$3 a day Ramen Diet day 6

I pooped this weekend!!!

Sunday was the Viking Queens birthday, so I got off the diet for a meal. I had a cheeseburger at the Westport Flea Market, and it was the best f-in cheeseburger I've ever eaten. I'm pretty sure whatever I ate would have been the best thing I'd ever eaten after 5 days of Ramen.

Anyway I'm back on the Ramen again.

I'm feeling great and can't wait till dinner so I can eat some more Ramen, sausage and eggs.

Ramen Update

I have located Ramen priced at $2.25 for 12. For the record, my poop schedule is still normal, 17 times a day.

$3 a Day Ramen Diet Day 2

I weighed myself today. I was tipping the scale at a Rubenesque 185. I weighed yesterday and I was at 200. I've lost 15 pounds in one day!!! I think I need to get a new scale.

Breakfast:
one packet of Ramen with 1/2 a flavor packet(Beef): $.09- 380 calories
one Diet Soda: $.60- 0 calories

Lunch:
one packet of Ramen no flavor pack: $.09- 380 CALORIES
1/3 pound ground beef: $.75- 518 calories
cream of chicken soup: $.25- 75 calories
one diet soda: $.60- 0 calories

Dinner:
one packet of Ramen with 1/2 a flavor packet (chicken): $.09- 380 calories
handful of cashews: $.50- 156 calories
I drank water: $.00- 0 calories


$2.97 total for day 2


At the end of the day I'm feeling just peachy, although I have noticed that I haven't pooped yet.

I'm looking for some delicious Ramen dessert ideas

Super Ramen Me?

Ramen has been a staple of college students for years. It's so cheap, and oh so good. I think I can even remember eating a Ramen sandwich once when I was in college.

Ramen was brought to America in 1972, the same year I was born, and it's also Asian. Destiny is the only word that can describe my kinship with Ramen.

Yesterday I overheard a phone conversation between Josh the Viking and his soon to be viking queen:

Queen: You need to save money
Josh: I do
Queen: How about all those McDonald's runs?
Josh: It's not that much
Queen: Yeah right
Josh: Fine I'll just start eating...uhm
Violent Farmer: Tell her Ramen
Josh: Ramen! I'll go on a diet of Ramen for a month
Queen: You'll never make it
Josh: Watch me

end of phone call

At this point my first thought was "He'll never make it", then I thought "hey you know what? I could stand to shed a few LB's, and if I can save enough money in the process to to afford gas to get to work, then this might not be a bad idea". So we decided to invent the $3 a Day Ramen Diet.

Here are the rules
#1. You are allowed $3 a day to spend on meals, including drinks.
#2. You can eat whatever you want as long as it is mixed up in the Ramen.

We found a store with Ramen on sale 12 for a dollar, which comes out to $.25 per day. That leaves $2.75 to spend on drinks and whatever else we want to mix with the Ramen- so far so good. Due to the fact that we only have $2.75 to work with, I have a feeling, water will be the main choice of beverage.
One of the first problems we encountered with this diet was the massive amounts of sodium- 1960mg per meal. After reading the nutritional facts on the package, we realized that most of this comes from the flavor packages included with each meal, so we made $3 a Day Ramen Diet rule#3

#3. If you use the flavor packets (not mandatory), you can only use half a packet or less due to sodium content.

I've decided to blog each of my days meals and keep you updated on its effects.

$3 a Day Ramen Diet day one (started at lunch)

Lunch
one package of Ramen w/ half a flavor pack- 380 calories, $.09
half a can of mixed vegetables mixed in- 40 calories, $.24
Diet Soda- 0 calories, $.60

Dinner
one package of Ramen w/ half a flavor pack- 380 calories, $.09
handful of cashews mixed in- 156 calories, $1.00

$2.62 total spent

At the end of the day I'm feeling great

(please feel free to offer up any cheap ramen recipes you might think of)

No Lyrics Left Behind

Crying at Your Feet (written by Paul Shields and Travis Naughton. Copyright 2008)

Why don't you want me here,
Why don't you seem to care,
I spent the better part of a year,
Tracking you down with the help of a private eye and some friends of mine that will do anything for a dime bag,
Why don't you want me here?

I thought that we were friends,
I guess I don't understand,
I gave you my heart & soul and then,
You gave me a restraining order and seventeen stitches in my head and my bowling trophy in the mail along with my toothbrush and my hand lotion,
I thought that we were friends.

(Bridge)
So please don't take it out on me,
You've had an empty life that much I know,
All I ever did was try to see,
In your windows at night when you just happened to be getting out of the shower or feeding your hamster Gus-Gus or that one time that the pizza guy stayed a little too long for my liking,
So please don't take it out on me.

And if you find me crying at your feet,
Please don't think that it's because I'm weak,
And wait before you call the police,
So I can have a chance to steal one last kiss and a shoe and possibly a pair of your panties carelessly left for me to find neatly tucked away in your dresser drawer,
Sorry I'm crying at your feet.

Seriously, please don't call the cops. Again.

My First Album Cover

Here is a shot of my first album cover. I went with the "album cover first and then I'll make a CD" move. If you go to my MYSPACE, you can see some more shots from the photo shoot.

PAUL & THE VIOLENT FARMERS
At
SORANO’s
8:00 pm
419 Southwest Ward Rd
Lee’s Summit, MO

Come dressed in your finest 80’s gear
for Aimee’s B-Day Bash
I’ll be drunk