No Lyrics Left Behind

Crying at Your Feet (written by Paul Shields and Travis Naughton. Copyright 2008)

Why don't you want me here,
Why don't you seem to care,
I spent the better part of a year,
Tracking you down with the help of a private eye and some friends of mine that will do anything for a dime bag,
Why don't you want me here?

I thought that we were friends,
I guess I don't understand,
I gave you my heart & soul and then,
You gave me a restraining order and seventeen stitches in my head and my bowling trophy in the mail along with my toothbrush and my hand lotion,
I thought that we were friends.

(Bridge)
So please don't take it out on me,
You've had an empty life that much I know,
All I ever did was try to see,
In your windows at night when you just happened to be getting out of the shower or feeding your hamster Gus-Gus or that one time that the pizza guy stayed a little too long for my liking,
So please don't take it out on me.

And if you find me crying at your feet,
Please don't think that it's because I'm weak,
And wait before you call the police,
So I can have a chance to steal one last kiss and a shoe and possibly a pair of your panties carelessly left for me to find neatly tucked away in your dresser drawer,
Sorry I'm crying at your feet.

Seriously, please don't call the cops. Again.

My First Album Cover

Here is a shot of my first album cover. I went with the "album cover first and then I'll make a CD" move. If you go to my MYSPACE, you can see some more shots from the photo shoot.

PAUL & THE VIOLENT FARMERS
At
SORANO’s
8:00 pm
419 Southwest Ward Rd
Lee’s Summit, MO

Come dressed in your finest 80’s gear
for Aimee’s B-Day Bash
I’ll be drunk

And They Called It Puppet Love

This was an actual article writen for a dating web site, that was sent to me a while back. I decided to put this to the test and my results follow the article.



"Dating Tips of the Week" FOR March 26, 2000

How to Meet and Attract Single Women with the "Puppet Method"
This is probably the craziest dating tip of the week I've ever written. And please don't think I've lost my mind because of what I'm about to suggest to you as a great way to meet and attract single women for love and romance. So what is it?

Well, did you know you could meet single women like crazy by using a hand puppet? I know you're thinking, "what in the hell is he talking about? A puppet?"

Let me explain - Well, I've got a friend that uses what I call, "The Puppet Method" to meet single women in nightclubs. Here's how he does it:

1. First, you will need a hand puppet. You can buy them at your major toy stores such as Toys R Us.

2. Bring your hand puppet with you to a nightclub where there are lots of single ladies.

3. When you see a girl that you're attracted to, approach her and tap her on the shoulder lightly with your puppet and when she turns around raise your hand puppet towards her face and say something like this with your puppet, "Hi beautiful, would you like to dance with me?" Move your puppet up and down with your hand as you are saying your script just as if the puppet was really talking. And be sure to talk in a real silly voice.

What happens next? She's going to die laughing and think that you are so funny. Plus, you will make a very favorable impression on her because women love a guy with a sense of humor. And, of course, she will most likely dance with you.

I know this method of meeting single women seems a little silly, but try it. It works like a charm for my friend and it can work for you too.

P.S. You don't just have to use the "Puppet Method" in nightclubs to meet and attract single women. You can use your hand puppet anywhere to talk to women. Believe me, they will be laughing so hard they can hardly stand it!

Be sure and visit: http://www.getgirls.com/manchap.htm - for four FREE chapters from our best-seller called, "A Man's Guide to Women." This is probably the best book ever written on understanding women and how to deal with them.




TESTING THE METHOD




Hey guys I tried the "Puppet Method", and I wanted you to know that it does work. Here’s what happened:

I was drunk at the bar when I decided that I would test out the "Puppet Method". It was late, I was drunk, and the "Ogling Your Breast" method wasn’t working, so I figured I had nothing to lose.

The problem was that I had forgotten my puppet at home that day, so I went to plan B. I made a fist and drew a funny face on the side. I then fashioned a pirate hat out of a napkin and taped it on top of my hand. I do a great funny pirate voice, so I knew that a pirate puppet was the way to go.

I then went up to the first girl I saw and put the "Puppet Method" in to action.

Step #1.

I put my fist pirate up by her head and tapped her on the shoulder.

Step #2.

When she turned to look I moved my pirate fist in an up and down motion,

Step #3.

And in my funniest pirate voice said "Arrrrr lassie Ye be beautiful, would Ye care to dance Arrrr".



She did not laugh hysterically.

Apparently she had been in a wood chipper accident when she was little, and had a hook for a hand. Because of this she thought the whole pirate thing was making fun of her hand. I immediately went to plan C. I told her that it was not a pirate puppet at all, but an Australian puppet with a rain hat.

She laughed hysterically

She then grabbed my hand and led me to the dance floor. Everything was going good until she decided to rub her fingers through my hair while we were dancing. The problem was that she had a hook for a hand and didn’t have fingers. It was hurting my head so I asked her to stop, but she wouldn’t (apparently hook hand girls don’t get a lot of dates). I could feel blood start to clump up in my hair, so I asked her again to stop, this time in my funniest Australian rain hat puppet voice.

She laughed hysterically,

She tried to move her hook hand, but it had gotten stuck in my shirt collar and imbedded deeper into my skull.

Later on when I arrived at the Emergency Room, I checked in at the front desk. The nurse gave me some paperwork to fill out, and told me she would call my name when they were ready. On the way back to my seat I noticed that the children’s ward was having a puppet show.

I laughed hysterically.



So you see the "Puppet Method" does work, and if it hadn’t been for that damn hook hand I think I would have gotten laid too.

New Show

T-Shirt Caption Contest

Ok, my Haiku contest didn't go so well, and your winner is:

"Blog Daddy"

This is mainly due to the fact that he is the only one besides me that entered. Congratulations Blog Daddy you out Haikued me and for your prize you will receive one of the brand new "Paul & The Violent Farmers" T-Shirts, which brings me to my next contest: "Write the caption for the new Paul & the Violent Farmers contest"

I have a connection for getting the shirts made so all I need to do is pick which of the following pictures to use and what the caption should be. If I like your idea and I use your idea, then you get a T-Shirt free.

And here you go with #1 the worlds fattest Twins on Mini Bikes:





or

#2 This Kid:

Tipsy Haiku

Twenty-Two

Lindsay Lohan is
An obnoxious, drunken slut.
I think I like that.



Twenty-Three

Brittney Freakin' Spears
Is a bald, obnoxious slut.
I'm not into that.


Twenty-Four

Paris Hilton is
A tall, drunk, obnoxious slut.
That sounds about right!

Haiku-Guru

Twenty

A word of advice
Do NOT ever let a goat
Belch straight in your face


Twenty-One

I'm sure that Satan
Is having a lot of fun
With Jerry Falwell

New Haiku

Eight
Imus in the morn
telling it like it is to
nappy headed hos

PVF

Nine
Fat cops and hundreds
of cats. The things you see while
cleaning up meth labs

PVF

Ten
Braided Mohawk love
squeaky voiced hula dancer
vote for Sanjia

PVF

Eleven
If I were real old
I'd sit and remember when
cheese was called butter

PVF

Twelve
Clad in orange jumpsuit
catwalking down the lunch line
work it Miss Hilton

PVF

Thirteen
Rain glistens off trees
beautiful rainbows appear
Barry Bonds head is huge

PVF

Haiku For The Ladies

Six

Chugging down a beer
now only an empty glass
tears come to my eye

PVF


Seven

I wear husky pants
with an elastic waistband
all for the ladies

PVF

Get Your Haiku On

Eight

Samuel Adams
Brews a pretty tasty beer
For a dead person

Nine

I just watched a show
Called "World's Most Beautiful Twins"
I'm married to one

Ten

Paul needs to appear
On the "Bob and Tom Show" soon
He's their cup of tea

Eleven

According to Bill
"They say that a cucumber
Makes the best pickle."

Twelve

Things I've done while drunk:
Once, I lost a gamble fart
I hate losing those.

Thirteen

You can call me "Coach"
My son is playing t-ball
Weep for the future

Fourteen

I remember when
Paulie blogged every day
No wait, that was me

Fifteen

The most prolific
Haiku-er in the whole world
Drinks Boulevard Beer

Sixteen

Fat, drunk, and stupid
Is no way to go through life
Mister Blutarsky

Beer Goggle

Five
Hunchbacked and cross eyed
not enough booze in the world
to drink you pretty

PVF

Haiku You

Drunken Haiku Redo

Two
Last night I dreamt I
had balloons for feet, I think
I'm drinking to much

PVF


Three
Blog Daddy chimes in
between fuel efficient cars
and Asian babies

PVF

Four
fat guy in a suit
two times to small, bending down
and letting er rip

PVF

Drunken Haiku Renew

Ok I have a request for a resurrection of the drunken Haiku contest.
This time around it's gonna go a little different. I am going to attempt to write a drunken Haiku a day for one year- That's 365 Drunken Haiku total.

You may recall me telling you about my last attempt at a Haiku a day with my friend Amy, but for those who weren't on the Violent Farmer band wagon yet here is my original post:

Friday, March 18, 2005
My Drunken Haiku Corner
For those of you who were asleep during the haiku chapter in school, I will give you a quick lesson (for those of you who were awake- why?)
Haiku is some sort of ancient Asian poetry (Japanese maybe? Who knows?), that is made up of three lines. The first line has has five syllables, seven syllables on the next line, and five again on the last line. Pretty easy.

A couple of years ago I was drunk at a bar with my friend Amy, and in our drunken stupor we made a pact to write a haiku each day and e-mail them to each other for one year. It sounded like a good idea at the time, but then again we were drunk.
It sucked. We made it for about two weeks, before we decided to just do seven haiku at the end of the week instead of e-mailing one each day.
One weeks later we decided to cut our year down to six months, and to just e-mail them when we had time.
Two weeks after that we decided to just stop and spend more time at the bar.




...well that was my original post way back then, and damn it I'm gonna do my best (and Amy is on board too) to get it done this time, and I'm inviting everyone to give it a shot with us.

I know that in the past prizes have been offered up and not sent(you will get those prizes sometime damn it), but with this one I will give my personal drunken assurance that on the 365th day I will send the winner a shinny new Violent Farmers T-Shirt and CD.

I realize that not everyone can get to a computer everyday and post(I will be one of them), so all I require is that you number your Haiku so I know how many you've completed, and the one with the most Haiku by day 365 wins I don't care when you get them to me, just leave them as a comment.


OK here goes Drunken Haiku 2 Electric Bugaloo

One

Haikuing again
dedicating this one to
Anna Nicole's Kid

Paul and The Violent Farmers


One

I am gonna crack
My decisions are not mine
in my robot world

Amy-Pee Pants

My Application For The Pop Culture World Series

THE WORLD SERIES OF POP CULTURE 2007
CONTESTANT APPLICATIONTAKE YOUR TIME & ANSWER HONESTLY, COMPLETELY and TYPE/PRINT CLEARLY

NAME: Paul Shields
AGE: 34
BIRTHDATE: 7-29-1972
COLLEGE ATTENDED/ING: Central Missouri State University
COLLEGE MAJOR: The Ladies
MARITAL STATUS: Single (please let the ladies know)
OCCUPATION: Singing Comedian
DESCRIBE YOUR JOB – I perform drunken love songs that flippin rock

DESCRIBE HOW YOU KNOW EACH OF YOUR TEAMMATES AND HOW THE THREE OF YOU DECIDED TO FORM A TEAM FOR THIS COMPETITION. Good friends. It was destiny. We watched season one and knew we could have destroyed any of the teams competing.

WHAT ARE 3 REASONS YOUR TEAM WANTS TO (OR SHOULD BE) A PART OF THIS COMPETITION?
1.We enjoy crippling others with our knowledge of Karate Kid I, II, III, and IV (TNKK)
2.We’re pretty sure there will be a movie deal for us some where (WE ARE THAT GOOD)
3. We need beer money

WHEN DID YOU REALIZE YOU WERE A POP CULTURE JUNKIE? HAS IT EVER EMBARRASSED (OR AFFECTED) YOU SOCIALLY? EXPLAIN. When I looked in my closet and realized I had the complete collection of Cindy Lauper trading cards all 152 (I can make the puzzle on back and everything), and also when I realized I knew every word to the “Charles in Charge” theme song, oh and I also dressed as Natalie from the “Facts of Life” for Halloween once. As far as embarrassing goes, please refer to the “Charles in Charge” theme song.

TELL US WHAT (IF ANYTHING) IS INTERESTING/CAPTIVATING ABOUT YOUR LIFE? Besides being a singing comedian, I also work at a Hazardous Waste Disposal Facility

YOUR TEAM DYNAMIC? Yes, we are very dynamic

YOUR OCCUPATION OR HOBBIES? Watching movies and disposing of hazardous waste

WHAT POP CULTURE ICON(S) DO YOU IDENTIFY WITH MOST? Jack Black man that dude rocks it just like me, also Skreech from "Saved by the Bell", if for no other reason than we both find Tori Spelling strangely attractive

If you could only have one tv series, one movie, and one album on a desert island, what would they be AND WHY? The tv series would be “Party of Five” because when it comes to family drama you can’t beat it, also I kind of have a thing for Jennifer Love HewittThe movie would be “Garfield 2- Tail of 2 kitties” because it freakin cracks me up, and I like the word play using Tail instead of Tale, also I kind of have a thing for Jennifer Love HewittAnd on the album I was gonna pick Paul Simons “Graceland” but then I though for a while and I’m now going with Jennifer Love Hewitt’s “BareNaked” (the Japanese import version with the bonus track)

What is your greatest tv memory from childhood? When I was little I thought I had some sort of weird tv super power where I would be thinking of a certain episode and it would come on, like one time when I was sitting in my room thinking how funny the episode of Brady Bunch was where Peter puts on a fake mustache to look older and it keeps falling off while he’s talking to some girls, and the next thing I knew that episode came on TV. Umm…Ok that may have been a little too much information- feel free to edit this part as you see fit.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITH THE MONEY IF YOU WON THE WORLD SERIES OF POP CULTURE? Beer!! Oh and we’d end world hunger

WHERE DOES THE MONEY RANK IN THE REASONS FOR ENTERING THIS COMPETITION? We’re here for the fame and glory, not the cash, and I’m pretty sure if people saw us on tv they would buy us free beer

HOW WOULD YOUR TEAMMATES BEST DESCRIBE YOU? Chinese with a huge head

HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE EACH OF THEM? They also have big heads, but they aren’t as Chinese as me

ARE YOU GLAD THIS IS A TEAM COMPETITION OR DO YOU THINK IT WOULD BENEFIT YOU IF IT WAS SINGLE PLAYER EVENT? Oh yeah I like the team aspect. We are also trying out for the Tag Team Mexican Wrestling tv game show, but were not as confident with that because none of us are wrestlers or Mexican

WHAT IS ONE FLAW YOUR TEAM HAS; SOMETHING THAT MAKES YOU NERVOUS IF YOUR TEAM WERE TO QUALIFY FOR THE WORLD SERIES OF POP CULTURE? We are not really strong on Vin Diesel movies

WHAT TOPIC / CATEGORY WOULD SHOCK YOU IF YOU MISSED QUESTIONS? (ie; 80s MOVIES? RAP LYRICS?) EXPLAIN WHY. It would shock me if I miss any questions on the Beatles or any women in prison movies

EACH OF YOUR TEAMMATES? It would shock me if Aimee missed any questions about New Kids On The Block and if Josh misseed any questions about Skating With The Stars

WHAT DID YOU THINK WHEN YOU WATCHED THE FIRST SEASON OF THE WORLD SERIES OF POP CULTURE? DID YOU THINK YOU WERE BETTER, WORSE, OR JUST AS GOOD AS THE TEAMS ENTERED? EXPLAIN WHY.We would have dominated every team out there, in fact I would blindfold myself when the show came on and still get all the questions right.

What did you think about the winning team last year, EL CHUPACABRA? Do you think they deserved to win? Is your team better than they were?You mean El-Chump-Acabra? Enough said

ARE YOU AVAILABLE WEDNESDAY MARCH 21- SUNDAY MARCH 25, 2007 TO BE FLOWN TO NYC FOR THE WORLD SERIES OF POP CULTURE TOURNAMENT? I'll clear my calander

POP CULTURE WORLD SERIES

My roommate Josh, Webmistress Aimee, and yours truly, have been accepted to compete in VH1's Pop Culture World Series!!! We travel to the Windy City on the weekend of February 3rd to kick some pop culture asses.

Now I need your help. Our original name was going to be "A Chinese Viking Named Aimee", but the name axers at VH1 rejected it, so they went with our back up "Domestic Blend". I think that name blows, so I've decided to have a contest to give our trio of dogooders a new name. It should probably have something to do with pop culture, but if it's catchy enough we'll go with anything.

...and if we use your name, you will receive a team shirt that proudly displays said name on the front.
This time you will for sure actually receive the prize, because VH1 says we gotta dress coordinated, so the shirts will have to be made.

Blog Daddy the Sweet Transvestite

Earth Calling Paul...

"Earth calling Paul. Come in, Paul. Do you copy?"

(Silence.)

"Violent Farmer this is Houston, we're having a hard time maintaining contact. Do you read us? Over."

(Silence.)

"Sir, we haven't received any communications from the Violent Farmer in quite some time. We think we may have lost 'em."

"Dammit, Jim I don't want to hear that kind of talk. Keep trying. I'm not ready to tell that boy's mother that we lost her son somewhere out there in cyber space and that you're tired of looking for him! Are you?"

"No sir! We'll keep trying, sir. Violent Farmer this is Houston, do you copy?"

(Static. Muffled screams. Whimpering.)

"Violent Farmer, we are picking up a faint transmission. Are you alright, Paul? Over."

"Mommy?" (Silence.)

"Sir, we established contact for a moment. We believe Captain Shields uttered the word 'mommy', sir."

"I was afraid of this. I saw this happen once during the Apollo years. Alien anal probe. Bastards. There's no hope for him now. He's damaged goods. He's on his own. Godspeed, Paulie."

"Violent Farmer, this is Houston. Uh, we just remembered we gotta be somewhere. I guess we'll see you around. Um, take it easy. Over."

(Static.) "Houston? Guys?! (Static.) Houston, I have a problem here. Houston?"

(Silence.)

"Well, you're no Lance Bass, but hey- when in Rome!...Which one of those appendages do I...OH!...Hello there Short, Green, and Slimy!"

New Post

I posted again on my blog, and by the way Paul, if I ever catch you cheating on me with Lance Bass, I will tear up you heart, no strings attached! No wait, I want you back!!!

Paul + Lance = 4-ever

The phone doesn't usually ring at our house at 2:00 in the morning. Whenever it does, it is almost always an intoxicated friend of mine trying in a pathetic way to convince me and himself that his bachelor ways are still the preferred lifestyle of choice. Last night was no exception. However, this particular caller was the most pathetic of them all.

None other than Paulie the Violent Farmer himself graced me with a call. As he slurred "hello" and "I love you man" I could readily tell that he had been downing his fair share of booze. Although I wasn't happy to be awakened at that hour, I was relieved to know that at least it was a long distance call and that a drunken high school buddy was not on his way over to harrass me until I agreed to go on a road trip with him. (That happened last month.)

"What's up, Paulie?"

"You're never gonna guess who I ran into tonight."

"You're right."

"Come on- I'll give you three guesses."

"Bill Clinton."

"No, but that would have been really cool."

"Pam Anderson and Kid Rock."

"Dude! Wouldn't that be awesome! I could have been in a threesome!"

"Totally awewsome."

"One more guess."

"Lance Bass."

"You just blew my mind, man! How did you guess?"

"I thought I heard N' Sync in the background."

"Wow, you've got a good ear for music."

"Oh, is that what we're calling it now?"

"Easy, man. That's my boy you're dissing."

"Your what?"

"I ran into Lance at a gay bar in KC earlier tonight. I was doing a set on "Open Mike" night and this dream-boat with frosted hair kept laughing at all my songs and making really good eye-contact."

"Lance Bass?"

"Yeah. Did you know he's gay?"

"I remember reading about it on your blog. Of course, you have not done a lot of blogging lately, so that really stood out."

"I know, I've been really busy. Anyway, apparently Lance reads my blog too and he found out that I was playing at the Blue Oyster Bar. He decided he was going to come meet the man who 'outed him' and give him a firm talking to."

"You?"

"Me. So after my set, Lance comes up to me and says, 'Are you the prick that called me out on the internet?' And I said, 'Yes, but I didn't mean to hurt you.' And he said, 'Its okay. I feel free to be myself finally. I should really thank you.' And I'm like, 'Really? You mean you're not mad?' And he's all, 'Not mad at all. In fact, I'm feeling a little frisky. You wanna go somewhere where we can talk?' And I'm all, 'Holy Shit! Lance freakin' Bass wants to talk to me! Somebody pinch me!' So we went back to his hotel."

"Wow! At the Ritz?"

"No, I think it was the I-70 Motor Inn. But it didn't matter. I was in Lance Bass's hotel room! Actually, I am still in Lance Bass's hotel room. Would you like to talk to him?"

"Well, I need to get up early tomorrow. Gotta feed the goats and-"

"This is Lance. Who is this?"

"Oh, I'm a friend of Paul's. I really didn't need to talk to-"

"What are you his boyfriend?"

"No. I'm a poker buddy and-."

"Poker, eh? That's funny 'cuz Paulie and I just played a few hands of poker: strip poker!"

"That's great. I really gotta go. Tell Paul I said-"

"Hey! Don't hang up! It's me again. Do me a favor."

"Okay."

"Tomorrow morning, Lance and I are gonna go back to L.A. and hang out at his crib. Could you post something on my blog to let people know that I'll be out of town and won't be blogging for a while? I don't want my fans to worry if they haven't heard from me."

"You can count on me. When will you be back?"

"I don't know if I will be back. I think I'm in love."

"Do me a favor- use condoms."

"They don't make them big enough for (giggling) 'Sir Lance-a-Lot'. That's what he told me to call him."

"Nice. Uh, hold on. What's that dear?! Okay, I'll be right there! I gotta go. My wife needs me. Well, have a good time, Paulie."

"Thanks, Trav. Lance! Get your tongue out of there!"

"And Paul, don't forget to check your blog tomorrow."