Gently Holding the Baton for a Short Period

Yep. Call the authorities. I do exist. It's me, the infamous Josh. I know many of you, mostly Roger, began to think that me posting was as likely as Pauls Columbia show not getting rained out. But, after Rogers invitation, I decided that perhaps it was time. Just what to post about I am unsure of, so I decided that I would do what I do best, bitch. Lets begin with gas prices. I'm not going to bitch about how high they are, but I am going to bitch about WHY they are so high? Granted the fact that we will soon run out of fossil fuels quicker then you can say "Bulldoze more Alaskan Tundra" but the biggest reason, or so I believe, that gas prices are so high is because of those soccer moms who feel the need to drive an SUV the size of a greyhound bus. Seriously, do you know that Fords full size SUV "Excursion" is over 20 feet long. You could seriously get lost in that thing. Why don't people just start to drive RV's everywhere? So while I'm filling up my 30cc Toyota Corolla, Billy the neighbor kids Mom has just drove 3.3 feet and it's time to go back to the gas station. And here I am paying higher gas prices because of it. Do you realize they charge these prices because we let them. Lets move on. I'm I the only one who is extremely angry about the 1,600 + American men and women who have died in Iraq? Didn't the Bush crime family declare mission accomplished 2 years ago. Enough is enough. Our president has broken the law, went against the U.N., and has made the liberals of America look like godless bastards, and no one is upset? I guess since he didn't cheat on his wife we cant impeach him.

Sorry to bring negative thoughts to the blog, but that's all I could think to post. Thanks for reading.

Sweating to the Oldies

I told this story at one of my shows awhile back, and I thought it would make a good post.

When I was in the seventh grade, I was a bit on the husky side. At the time my mother had a membership at a local health club. A health club is not something you would usually associate my mom with, mainly due to the fact that she is a big fan of the cigarettes.
Anyway she told me that if I lost ten pounds by my birthday, that she would get me a membership in her gym. In the seventh grade I was game for anything sounding even remotely adult, so I agreed (also I wasn't realizing that she was asking me to lose the equivalent of two sacks of sugar). I didn't eat lunch for two months, and slowly but surely was able to get down to health club weight by my birthday.

The Big Day!!!

Finally my birthday arrived, and the new slim trim me was anxious to get that gym membership. I hurried through the cake and ice cream, trying to speed up to the gift giving section of the party. Then my mother told me to waite while she went and got my present. A couple of minutes later she comes in with my birthday suprise- a nice new goat. That's right I said goat. I asked her what happened to the health club membership, and she said " Oh I quit that months ago". I was devastated.

This particular goat that she got me was a nanny goat. For those of you who don't know, a nanny goat is a mother goat that is full of milk. Seeing as it was my goat, it then became my duty to get up at five o'clock every morning and milk her before I went to school. The problem with getting up every morning at five o'clock to milk a goat, is that after awhile your mom assumes that you really like milking goats, and buys you another. Pretty soon your getting up at two o'clock in the morning so you can milk an entire herd of freaking goats. Don't ask me where all the baby goats where, because I don't know. She just kept showing up with these damn kidless goats that were full of milk.

And that my friends is why I drink.

Another Try at Passing the Baton

Ok, Ok. I'll try again. Sorry about that last baton pass. I didn't know he'd say 'Our fair Paul.' I didn't know he'd write 'Mianmar.' Even if he could spell it I still wouldn't know where the hell it is. And I sure as hell didn't know he liked flannel sheets. And for those who asked, sorry guys, he's married to a woman.

If you guys still want to do it, we can set him on fire. I don't want to see him in a loin cloth again though. Once, Once.

So, let's try someone new. Josh are you there? Are you afraid to post? Don't be. If it sucks we'll just make fun of you and call you names. That's not so bad is it?

Paulie and I also took the extraordinary steps of inviting our blog pal Howdy aboard. Mainly, because he likes making fun of Jeff almost as much as we do.

Also, I will finally post something good over the long weekend. I've been working on a tale about the myriad ways Paulie has been shot down by women.

Passing the Baton

I have been unable to fulfill my duties as designated poster. It's not because of all the charges the police have filed against me. I'm just a lazy bastard. However, I am innocent of all the charges.

So I'm passing the baton to Jeff. He whined like a lonely puppy to get on the contributor list, and we've only seen one crappy post out of him. He hasn't even come close to winning a haiku contest either. Let's try to get something out of him.

Speaking of the contributors, who is this freakin' Josh dude? Has anyone ever read a post or a Haiku by him? Does he really exist? I heard he was a cow bell player, but that may have been a rumor.

I apologize for being a lazy bastard. I hope Jeff isn't as lazy because God knows he's an ugly bastard. I'd hate to be both.

I'll leave you with some drunken haiku.

Handsome Chamorro
that lazy bastard has a
beautiful bald head

Rain, Rain, Go Away

Sorry about not posting for awhile, I was busy crying in my beer over yet another show cancellation due to the weather. I haven't got a definite on when my show will be rescheduled yet, but I know it won't be until a couple of weeks when the college kids get back in town. In the meantime I think I'm going to hit a couple of open mic nights at the comedy club here in Kansas City, so I don't get to rusty.

I'm still having the drunken haiku contest though, so please keep sending those haiku in (so far I only have one).

Seamhead where is your post?
If you don't get a post in within a couple of days, I'm going to have to move on to the next contestant. You don't want that do you?



Hand stretched out waiting
for the first rain drop to fall
and crap on my show



Keep on Keepin on

We Have a Mimeku Winner!!!

Mime for a girlfriend
she's great in the sack, but I
think she's faking it

by- Aimee


Thank heavens, we can now stop writing haiku about mimes.

Aimee you now join the other weekly winners at a chance to win the big prize. I'm not sure what that prize is going to be, but it's going to rock.
This weeks haiku subject is anything you want except for mimes. No mimes!! If anyone writes about mimes they are off my cool person list, and it will take a hell of a lot of ass kissing to get back on.

Now that the nasty mime thing is out of the way, it has come to my attention that I haven't been posting very often. I apologize for this, and in an effort to have my blog change more often I am going to propose another contest.
I am going to appoint a new person every week to make a post to this blog, and with the help of everyone's comments and criticisms I will pick the best one to give an even bigger prize than the haiku prize. There are no rules to the posting, but you should be drunk when you write it.

And the privilege of being the first contest poster goes to Seamhead.
Good luck seamhead just post something and we will tell you if it sucks.

Keep the haiku coming

NO SHOW AGAIN

My show tonight was cancelled again guys.
Apparently It's going to be crap weather every Friday. Never the less I'm rescheduled in again in two weeks.

New date:
Friday, May 13th at 10:30 & 11:30 on the front deck of the Deja Vu

Weather Permitting

Anonymous Haiku Pulls Trough

Holding you tightly,
cool porcelain feels so good,
I love you toilet.

by- anonymous


anonymous gets the nod for the week 6 title with this haiku gem, and I would like to respond with my own:

don't know who you are
week 6 drunken haiku czar
keep the flame alive


As some of you may remember, a couple of post back I said I was being hired to play a bachelor party this month. Well Saturday the big party finally happened.
The guys hired three acts for the night- a mime, me, and a stripper.

Did I mention the mime?

I was glad to find that the mime did not get naked. He mainly twirled plates, and juggled, although he did act out a disturbing rendition of my "Cowboy" song.
The stripper/dancer, while not the most beautiful girl, wasn't ugly, and she did get naked.

I love strippers/dancers!!

The party ended with the guys picking their fantasy football draft order with the help of the stripper/dancer and six ping pong balls.

Did I mention I love strippers/dancers?
************

Anyway I thought that I would try something new with the drunken haiku this week. I want to try doing a theme.
And in honor of the bachelor party, the theme for this week will be - Mimes!!!

So send in your drunken mime haiku, and we'll see how it goes.

Sorry Guys

Damn weather.

I'm rescheduled in at the VU on 4/29/5, which should be next Friday at 10:30 and 11:30

Weather Permitting!!!

CANCELLATION!!!!!!!!!!

**UPDATE**
The big show has been cancelled because of the weather. Paul says it will be rescheduled for next Friday or the one after that. I will post it here as soon as I know. I will be at the show when it is rescheduled. We can get new plans going as soon as we know which day it will be. Paulie wants to thank everyone who was coming. He appreciates the effort and hopes you can come to the rescheduled show.

Don't be Blue Week 4 Haiku

The wait is over ladies and gentlemen, we have our first official haiku entry with an improper syllable count.
I was waiting for this to happen so I could dish out my very first"to drunk to count" award (2D2C for short).
And the winner of the first ever 2D2C is:

You all are extremely
sick and need to Get A Life
like everyone else

by- Anonymous


Anonymous, I counted that first line like 10 times and I came up with 6 syllables every time. Congratulations you are officially "to drunk to count".
You will have a shiny new"2D2C" button waiting for you in the office.

Keep counting and drinking anonymous, keep counting and drinking.



And now for the actual week 4 haiku winner:
***************************************
I can't find my car
It's somewhere near the bar
Inebriation

by- MD
***************************************

Nice job MD.
You win mainly because you reminded me that I need to go down town and find where I left my car last night.
You join DLS and the week 1 winner, battling it out for that cool first place prize.

Now here is a haiku to get you started for this weeks contest:

i, like Cher, wish that
i also could turn back time
only not so far

Good luck with the drinking and counting


ps- There is going to be a comedy act before my show on Friday (8:00), and if you want to go let me know so I can reserve a table.

New Gig Announcement

Hey guys I told you I had a new gig announcement coming up, and it has been finalized. I'll be playing in Columbia at the Deja Vu comedy house on April 22. I'm scheduled for 2 shows on the back deck at 10:30 and 11:30. I will have directions on my main page soon, so keep checking back.

Winner of Haiku for You Week Three & Two

Ok here's what happened, I got drunk and missed last weeks haiku winner announcement and now to be fair I should actually announce two winners this week.

Just kidding, that's to much flippin work.

I thought long and hard last night while I was sleeping, and woke up with my decision - No more tequila. This was not an easy decision for me. Tequila and I go way back. We're like potato and salad, we don't look like we go together, but when we do it's always a freakin party.

Sorry I'm not sure what that was, but here is the haiku winner for weeks two and three:

Drunken Mantra
You're so beautiful
I think I'm in love with you.
What's your name again?

DLS

Congratulations DLS, for a win with your very first haiku published on the site. I was having a tough decision until I got to DLS's haiku. DLS, I think you captured the essence of what Drunken Haiku is all about.
I think we can all feel your pain.

DLS is now in the running for the big prize along with week one's winner. Still not sure what that is, but it will be freaking cool when I find out.

I am now going to leave you guys with this haiku to get you started for this weeks haiku (again just enter your haiku in any comment section, and I'll get it):


midgets make me laugh
i'm not sure why, they just do
i'm going to hell


Good luck with the haiku and drinking

Drunken Haiku Redo

I apologize for not posting the haiku winner this week, but I was gone all weekend with no access to a computer. Because of this and the fact that I don't have many entries this week, I am extending this weeks haiku challenge until Friday.

apparently some of you are a little confused as to were to post your haiku. Just click on any comment section that you want and post it. I get everything that is posted on this site to my e-mail, so I won't miss it.

Another reason for extending the contest is that last weeks winner Seamhead is in the lead again this week, and he appears to think that no one can beat him. Someone please take up this challenge, because his head is already big enough from winning last week.

Also keep checking back, because I am going to have a new gig announcement coming soon (and this one is not at the Island).

Hilarious or Horrifying?

Tell me, do you find this site hilarious or horrifying? Check it out and come back.

I found it to be much like a Paulie song, horrifying and hilarious. It doesn't skirt the edge of taste. It wears giant boots and tramples the boundaries of taste. I don't know. Maybe the horror adds to the hilarity.

That's the funny thing about tasteful. It varies by someone's personal, um . . . taste. One person's beautiful nipple is another person's flaming indecency. And I know which side of that debate Paulie is on.

So someday long in the future will they trace the death of the United States to the great nipple flash? I suspect that will not be the case. I believe they will trace it to allowing our elected officials to go on television and blather endlessly about shit they nothing about.

So carry on your tasteless crusade, Paulie. The Violent Farmers will march behind you. Maybe some day those politicians will be on TV blathering about you.

Friday's Show & Week One Drunken Haiku Winner

I mark Friday's show as my worst yet.
It had all the starting ingredients of a great show- It was my friend Nikki's birthday (she's hot), I was recording the show live, I had on my good pants, and it was Good Friday. Now that I look back that last one may have been the problem(or maybe it was the pants).
Signs fell down behind me in the middle of the show, the jukebox came on during the Torso Girl song, I forgot words to one of my songs, and some drunk guy trying to be cool and do the air guitar rock dance fell into my guitar and took out the sound system. The drunk guy did offer to buy me a drink though, so that's cool.
I am officially putting that show behind me and will mention it no more.

Now to what you guys have been waiting for- The results from the first week of the drunken haiku competition.

I received 17 haiku (I think. I counted them when I was drunk so that's not a given).
If the competition would have been called All Hopped Up On Crack Cocaine Haiku, then Bovinebasher would have won hands down.
Howdy and Jeff appear to have a bit of a haiku war going on, which I encourage whole heartedly (the drunken haiku is mightier than the sword my friends).
Jeff appeared to be the front runner to win with the double jointed twins haiku, but a late entry from Seamhead made my decision close.

And the winner is... Seamhead


What is that thing on
my penis? Do I need some
antibiotics?


(the deciding factor was Seamheads use of a five syllable word to end his poem-pure haiku genius!!)

Congratulations Seamhead you are know in the running to win the big prize!!! I'm not sure what that prize is yet, but it will be awesome.
And to start off next weeks round of drunken haiku, I offer up this:

Movie Night
Laying on the couch
watching for her big nude scene
To grab the lotion


Good luck with the haiku and drinking.
Keep checking back for new show dates.

My Drunken Haiku Corner

For those of you who were asleep during the haiku chapter in school, I will give you a quick lesson (for those of you who were awake- why?)
Haiku is some sort of ancient Asian poetry (Japanese maybe? Who knows?), that is made up of three lines. The first line has has five syllables, seven syllables on the next line, and five again on the last line. Pretty easy.

A couple of years ago I was drunk at a bar with my friend Amy, and in our drunken stupor we made a pact to write a haiku each day and e-mail them to each other for one year. It sounded like a good idea at the time, but then again we were drunk.
It sucked. We made it for about two weeks, before we decided to just do seven haiku at the end of the week instead of e-mailing one each day.
One weeks later we decided to cut our year down to six months, and to just e-mail them when we had time.
Two weeks after that we decided to just stop and spend more time at the bar.

Any way the other day I was at the bar again and after Amy hit me in the head with an ash tray I decided that maybe I should spend more time writing haiku.

I thought I would post one here every week, and then let you guys post your own in the comment section. I'll pick the best haiku from your responses and post it here the following week, and then in two months or so I'll give a prize to the best one. Also this is drunken haiku, so if you screw up on syllables or slur your haiku it still counts.

If this sucks or I decide to just start drinking again I'll let you know.
Here's my first one, enjoy:


The Good Life
whacking off all day
throwing dung at everyone
monkeys got it good

Recording In Progress!!!

I just used my tax refund ($68), to purchase some sweet recording equipment. It has a crap load of buttons!!! With a little duct tape and bailing twine I even got it to turn on. One of the main reasons I got such a great deal was because it didn't come with any booklets, but that's ok because I've had nothing but bad experiences with instruction manuals anyway.

Josh (the cowbell guy) apparently was captain of the high tech team in high school, so I'm letting him push most of the buttons. Our first attempts at recording came out great except for it didn't play in stereo, and we were picking up the neighbors phone calls. Apparently the the neighbor girl thinks I'm cute, which is cool except that she's like 12.
These are ony minor set backs, and hopefully I will be coming out with a full fledged "Paul And The Violent Farmers" CD soon. Keep checking back for more progress.


ps- I've got another gig at the Island on March 25th

Amer-Asian Day

Paulie was again in fine form for the Amer-Asian Day show. He forced to me learn 'Kung Fu Fighting' right before the show. It turned out pretty good especially after Josh the Cowbell Player commandeered the microphone.

The highlight of the show was when the trucker from Paul's famous Trucker song sent a note onstage from the parking lot. Apparently, word had spread. Paulie had a convoy waiting outside.

He backed off his performance of the conjoined midget twins song because there was a midget at the show. I wonder what happens someday when a torso girl shows up.

All in all another fantastic evening. I just have one question. Who was that stud that opened the show for him?

Post Amerasian Day Gig

Have you hugged an Amerasian today? March 4th is Amerasian day, and I am planning a big Amerasian party at the Island Bar and Grill, so mark your calendars.

To help prepare for the show, I played a set Friday (2/18/5) at the Island.

It was my friend Steve Brown's 38th birthday. He brought his whole posse to the show, which consisted of him and his girlfriend who where locked at the tongue the entire night.
My mom also came to check out my act, and to my relief was not locked at the tongue with anyone. I'm not sure she liked the animal sex song, but she thought the trucker song was sweet.

The show seemed to go well, in fact one of the tables liked me so much that they are hiring me to do a Bachelor party for one of their friends (I'm gonna start cutting down on the carbs tomorrow so I can fit in the cake).

And that my friends was pretty much the highlights of my Pre Amerasian Day gig.
Hope to see you guys on the 4th