New Year's Drunken Essay Contest

To honor the spirit of the title of this blog, I have come up with an "I Wrote This When I Was Drunk on New Year's Eve" essay contest. If you can recall any of the events of your New Year's celebration, write about it and submit it for Paulie's amusement. If you can't recall anything, you can either post a copy of the police report or make something up. Paul will pick the winner but will NOT post bail for anyone. Good luck and Happy New Year!

Merry Christmas, Hannukah, Kwanza, and Festivus

Happy Holidays, whichever one you observe. In this age of political correctness, I find an ever increasing attraction to Frank Costanza's home-made holiday, Festivus. "A Festivus for the rest of us!" Frank would proclaim. Since Seamhead has been mistaken for George Costanza on occasion, he probably already celebrates the holiday. With the ceremonial "Airing of Grievances" and "Feats of Strength", I'm sure he looks forward to this time of year more than any of us. And yes, I found a web site where you can buy an official Festivus Pole. Six feet of 100% pure Alcoa Aluminum. Now that's the good stuff.

The Newest Violent Farmer (Its official!)

As if I had been knighted by the Queen of England herself, Paul invited me to become a contributor to his blog. "It will be my distinct honor so serve you, your Majesty," I said to her. She was not a pretty woman, but I felt oddly attracted to her none the less. It did seem strange that she looked Chinese, and had a goatee; but then again I had been drinking for quite a while. We both had. The next morning when I woke up in her four post bed, her man-servant brought me a bloody mary. "Thanks," I sheepishly responded. He said, "I haven't seen him quite this happy in ages. Thank you so much." I suddenly realized that I had in fact slept with a hairy Chinese man while in a drunken stupor. Boy, was I embarrassed! I had to get out of there fast. Paul had already left for work so while I stuffed my wadded up underwear into the bottom of my man-purse I decided to sneak out the back door with what little dignity I had left. The End.

Drunken Resolution

I have a confession. I haven't gotten drunk in a while. I think this has definitely put a damper on the creative spot in my brain, so I have decided to take an idea from Travis, and do a Blog New Years Resolution.

So here it is:

1) I resolve to get drunk
2) I also resolve to meet one new person while I'm drunk and write about them on the blog at least once a week.


These may sound like stupid resolutions to you, but in reality they are quite ingenious. First of all I'll be drunk which is never bad until the next day, second I'll have something to freaking blog about, and third It's an awesome way to meet chicks. I don't know why I didn't think of this earlier.

Nipin Out

It's done. I've put all the ideas together and add some of my own and have completed the Nipple song. As you all know I'm Irish, so I made it into a kind of Irish drinking song, so when your reading it pick up a beer and sway and you will get the basic idea. I am trying to get it recorded this week, and I will let you know when I post it on my MYSPACE site so you can all hear how it sounds. I haven't named the song yet so if any one has any ideas let me know.

Here you go the very first Violent Farmer drunken blog contribution song:



I met a girl at the bar one day
She ordered a drink and I offered to pay
She looked kind of cold with her high beams a glarin
Then she noticed my eyes on her nipples just starin
She said if you like these than you'll love Mary my mom
Because hers must span at least an inch and a half long

Tru lay- tru lie
Where have I been?
Your moms got the longest nipples I've seen

If your mom was a waitress making a living off tips
She'd make more cash stirring drinks with her nips
Something to grab when reaching from the back
Like a set of handlebars on the front of that rack
Their big and they bounce and pointy and perky
Their just like those contraptions that pop out of a turkey

Tru lay- tru lie
What in the world
Your moms got the longest milk dribblers my girl

She has to carry insurance in case she makes cripples
Out of people getting poked in the eye with her nipples
If she twirled them with pasties like some dancers do
They would look like propellers on a B-52
They're long not large if you get my gist
Like the index finger on a midget's fist

Tru lay- tru lie
Please let's not quibble
Because there's room for us all on your moms long ass nipple

I'd look her in the eye if she got those out of mine
But if she doesnt care then I guess that's just fine

Tru lay- tru lie
Where have I been?
Your moms got the longest nipples I've seen
Tru lay- tru lie
What in the world
Your moms got the longest milk dribblers my girl
Tru lay- tru lie
Please let's not quibble
Because there's room for us all on your moms long ass nipple




(Sorry if I couldn't fit all the ideas into the song, but they all had me rolling)

Song Request

I was just asked by someone to write a song about her moms extremely large nipples.
I immediately started thinking the exact same thing you guys are- "Is your mom single?"

Apparently the mom nipples are large in length not diameter, with a span of maybe an inch and a half. At first I thought it was kind of weird that she had this fascination with her moms body parts, then I thought "Hey that's kind of hot", then I thought "Hey that's kind of creepy", and then finally later on that night by myself I thought it was kind of hot again.

She says she wants me to record the song so she can play it for her mom, but I don't usually write requested songs. I usually just get drunk and write about love. I'm not even sure how to start writing a song about extremely long mom nipples, and even if I did I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be all that flattering. Let's say I do write this nipple song, is it ok to ask for pictures? You guys got any ideas? What rhymes with nipple?

I apologize for any discomfort this post may have caused

Check It Out

I got numorous request to get some songs up on the net so people could hear 'em , and what do I get? Zippo- I got nothing- No responses- Nothing.

I need a drink.

Drunken Quote Of The Day

"You're so cute when you're slurring your speech,
but they're closing the bar and they want us to leave."

Death Cab For Cutie- Crooked Teeth

My Space

Ok I have joined the My Space crowd.
I did this because it was the easiest way I could find to get a couple of my songs up on the net.

I'm not very good with this computer stuff so I haven't got it linked up yet, but if you go to this website I'm under Paul & The Violent Farmers (or you can probably find me under Paul Shields too). Aimee did a great job of hooking it up and designing it so make sure you check it out.

The songs are up too, so let me know what you think.



Keep Singin' & Drinkin'

The Story of Paul and the Violent Farmers

Ok, I'm going to tell you guys how I came up with the name "Paul and the Violent Farmers".

I was drunk at the bar one night and my friend Amy says "Hey I have a great name for your act- Paul and the Violent Farmers". I was drunk so I probably would have liked any name anyone gave me, so I said I loved it and went to puke in the trash can. It has stuck with me ever since (the name not the puke).

So that's the story. Not to exciting, so that's why I need your help. I need a cool origin for my band name. Someone always asks where I came up with the name, and my story is always the same lame one I just told you, so I need something that will make 'em say "Holly crap, no wonder you call yourself that". If you come up with a story I use, I'll send you a t-shirt and mention you in the liner notes for my first album when I get it made. Hell, I might even use them all and just tell a different story every time someone asks.

I'll give you a starting point:

"I was drunk at the bar one night, and... "

Fashion Advice

My favorite holiday is fast approaching- Halloween.
You might think that it's kind of a holiday for kids, but me I'm always to drunk to notice or care. This year I even have a party to go to instead of just dressing up and wandering the streets puking drunk.

So here's where I need your help. I don't have a flippin costume!! Anyone got some ideas? I'm not afraid to offend anyone, so anything goes. In the past I've had quite an array of costumes. I've done group themes- Scooby Doo (I was Velma), and Facts of Life (I was the fat one). I've also done many solo costumes where I'm not dressed in drag- dead John Denver, a Chick Magnet, and a Big Hairy Nut Sack to name a few. I usually make my own so feel free to go wild with ideas for me.

State of Total Devastation

I'm back from Texas in one piece.

Before I left on the 22nd of September, my mom called me to see what I was doing that weekend, and I told her I was going to Texas. I didn't tell her where in Texas or why, just Texas.
She let out a shriek and cried " Texas is in a state of total devastation!!! Hurricane Rita!!! I thanked her for her concern and got off the phone as quick as possible.

Despite my moms warnings of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse running rampant through the entire state of Texas, I made the 12 hour trek to see the Austin City Limits 3 day music festival.
The hurricane hit Texas Saturday morning and the festival had made plans to shut down if necessary and all the papers and TV news reporters were warning of gianormous rain and wind storms.
The rain never came and Austin stayed dry- really dry. All three days were freaking scorching. Sunday got up to 108 degrees. I prayed for rain. It was so hot and dry the dust had kicked up and was like a fog over the entire park. Everyone was fighting to get to any shade possible.

Despite the heat the festival was great. So many bands, there was no way to see them all. Wilco, Steve Earle, Lucinda Williams, John Prine, Buddy Guy, and countless others put on an awesome show that flippin rocked. I've got some pictures that I'll try to post on the "Musings" blog and get more into the actual concerts than the weather.

Just wanted to let you guys know I was back from a state of total devastation.

I'm Back

I have been gone for a bit, and I apologize. It's been like three weeks or something since I last posted. My computer crashed, but now its up so I should return to my old posting ways.

Last week I had my gig emceeing at Stanford’s Comedy Club, and it went great. I sucked at the actual emceeing part, but my songs went good. The owner of the club heard my act on Friday night, and loved it. He is going to get me a spot on the Johnny Dare Show, one of the local Kansas City morning radio shows. He hasn't let me know the date yet, but I'll be sure to let you guys know when I find out. Aimee, has been working on my web site, and she thinks she should be able to get some audio clips up soon so those of you who haven’t heard my songs can get an idea of what I do.

I'm going off tomorrow on a road trip to Austin, Texas for the Austin City Limits music festival, so I won't be posting again until Monday when I get back. I might be home earlier than that if hurricane Rita puts a damper on the festivities.

My Computer Crashed

I haven't posted for a couple of weeks because my computer crashed. In fact it's still not fully operational, so I'm writing this at work on my lunch break.
Since I last posted I've had a couple of opportunities to further my Drunken Song Writing career.

The first was an invite to open up for Dustin Diamond. That's right Screech from "Saved By The Bell", but it was going to be during the time that I'm going to the " Austin City Limits Festival" in Texas. Can you imagine how cool it would have been to meet Screech and William Hung, all in the same month!!!

Anyway that didn't pan out, but I did win a contest at "Stanfords Comedy Club" and will be opening up for Brett Erickson (stand up comedian) on September 14th thru the 17th. I haven't heard any of Brett's material, but I'm sure he's funny-it's his job.

Just wanted to update you on my almost meeting of Screech, and my new gig. Hopefully I can get my computer repaired soon so I can get back to my normal bloging routine.

Shot Down

I was reading through the Violent Farmer blog the other day, and I decided it needed a bit of historical perspective. I figured I needed to tell some stories from back when Paul drank a lot. I guess that doesn't make it much different than today though. Instead, I think I'll tell stories about when I used to drink a lot and laugh at Paul's drunken misfortune. My favorite times with Paul were when we were drinking and he'd fire on the women.

One night we were at a bar. Drinking and ogling women. And you know, that's what Paul does best. Drinks and ogles women. He'd probably be better off if he were better at something more practical like sex or fantasy baseball. But he's a helluva woman ogler.

Anyway, we were ogling women at this bar when we noticed a hot woman dancing like crazy. So we ordered up three more pitchers and watched some more. She was dancing like crazy. She was dancing with a bunch of different guys, some chicks, all by herself, and even took a pool cue for a spin. She danced for a long time, six or seven pitchers I'd guess, before she finally took a break. She sat down just a few tables away and downed some ice water in that strange, sexy way that only drunk guys can see. So Paul worked up his courage (by worked up his courage, I mean, slammed a couple glasses of beer) and sauntered (by sauntered, I mean staggered) over to her table.

He put his hand on the table and asked in his smoothest voice, "Would you like to dance?"

The incredibly hot, dancing woman finished her water, looked deep in Paul's eyes and replied, "I don't dance."

Now this might seem like the low point, and Paulie was inconsolable. But it could get worse.

A few days later we ventured out to another bar. Of course we decided we should have a few pitchers and ogle the women. We noticed a particularly hot chick sitting at the bar talking to her friends.

After seven or eight more pitchers, Paulie was making his move. He was chatting up her friends trying to get a little something going with her. Finally, he put on the full court press.

He asked her, "Hey, what's your name?"

She looked up and coolly replied, "I don't have a name."

Scared of Running Out

I've been drinking so I've decided to do another "Ask a Violent Farmer"



Scared of Running Out said...
Every time I take a bottle down and pass it around, there is always one less bottle on the wall. I have a phobia of running out, but can't quit taking them down. What should I do?


Dear Scared,

Why do you keep your beer on the wall? Maybe it's just me, but last time I checked Wall Beer is not up on most peoples popular list. I took a poll in the office and apparently the preferred place to store your beer is in a "Cooler". You should try this. I think it could make your whole beer passing experience much more enjoyable, but I digress.

In an effort to better advise you, I decided to do some hands on investigative research. I knew I was going to have to take down some very technical data, so I armed myself with a notebook, a pencil, and a t-shirt that said "Lookin for Booty".
Pre-beer passing experimentation, I took two shots of tequila (work was really pissing me off that day, plus I just like tequila). Much to my surprise none of the pubs that I visited kept their beer on the wall, so I settled for one out of the "Cooler". I passed around the first beer (the bar patrons were more than happy to pass beer with me in the name of science), and when it got back I saw that it was half full (I'm an optimist). I ordered two more shots of tequila and used the half full glass of beer as a chaser.
I repeated this whole process two more times then headed to the strip club.

The next morning I woke up in a tree wearing only my socks.
It took about an hour and a half for the Fire Department to get me down, and another twenty minutes to find my pants. It's all in a nights work for a scientific researcher.

I am proud to report that in spite of the harrowing experiences of the night, I was able to record some very interesting observations. Apparently, even though I was in a drunken stooper the entire night, I was able to write "I like boobies" on every page of my notebook.

So there you have it Scared:
a) keep your beer in a "Cooler", and
b) I like boobies

consider yourself advised


Sincerely,
Paul & the Violent Farmers

The Hung & I.
The only man with a head bigger than mine.

The Elvis Parade

As some of you may know last year I was coerced into dressing up as Elvis and riding on a float in the annual Elvis parade here in Kansas City. As expected, once my costume was completely donned I looked like a 12 year old Asian Elvis. I thank the lord that I can't find any pictures to share with you of that particular experience.

Well its Elvis parade time again, and (sorry ladies) I am not participating this year. I vowed never to go on a float dressed as Elvis again. Have you ever tried to stand up drunk on a moving float while doing Kung Fu kicks? The reason I'm bringing the parade to your attention is because of this years grand master. Usually they will get some local yokel to kick off the float fest, but not this year. No this year they nabbed an A-list talent to get it going. And who is this A-lister you ask? Let me give you a hint "She Bang She Bang". That's right guys this years Elvis parade grand master is none other than the great-

William Hung

The bad boy of American Idol himself. The Hungster.
Are you one of the lucky people that got one of the many "Hung for the Holidays" CD's that I gave out for Christmas last year?

I was supposed to go on a float trip tomorrow, but I'm going to have to make a slight detour now that I know that William Hung is going to be in town.


ps- check out Skeeter Masters blog to see more of the Hung

Ask a Violent Farmer

Last night I was drunk and browsing through my e-mail, when I came across an anonymous message. Like I said I was drunk so there's a good chance it wasn't even my e-mail. The message was sent by someone who was in desperate need of advice, and after reading it I thought that this must be a sign that I should start an advice column right here on the blog. So if you are in need of advice just leave me something in the comment section.
Here's my first crack at advising the unadvised:

Dear Violent Farmers,

I have a dead end job. I'm stuck and I work
for an idiot. Do you have any advice?

help me
"Grouchy in the Midwest"


Dear Grouchy,

I'm glad you contacted me. I'm very familiar with this problem, and
thus am the perfect person to ask for advice (oh man did I just say thus? Ha).

First get your butt up out of that cubicle and march straight to your car. Drive to the corner of Oak street and Main. There is a large brick building on the corner, and I need you to go into the parking lot and go around to the back of the building. When you get there look up. There should be a Taco Bell like right there. I need you to grab three Gorditas and a Choco Taco. Bring those back to me, because dude I'm freakin trashed and I gotta get some grub or I will be one hurtin puppy in the morning if you know what I mean.

Oh yeah the job thing. Sorry.

A wise man once told me ( I think his name was Bud- ha, get it Bud-wise like the beer if you put an r on the end and spell it different- ha).
Any way, I was at a bar and this old wise man says,

"Whipper Snapper (he was really old), do you know how women and dog crap are alike?
The older they get the easier they are to pick up."

That advice has stuck with me ever since, and this my friend Grouchy is the advice that I'm bestowing upon you now. Go straight down to the local bar after work, find an old chick that looks really rich, and make her your sugar momma. Quit your job and live happily ever after. All you'll have to do is have sex with the old broad once in a while, and scrape the corns off her feet every three weeks or so.

Sincerely,
Paul & the Violent Farmers

ps- don't forget the Gorditas
pps- and the Choco Taco

This is Sue. Doesn't she looks like someone's sweet old grandma? What could she be sitting there waiting for? Is it:
A) for some of her world famous chocolate chip cookies to come out of the oven.
B) taking a break from knitting some knitty things.
C) getting ready to go down to the Piggly Wiggly and get some evaporated milk.
or
D) waiting anxiously at the Bingo table with her lucky doll hoping the guy yells out I-19 next.

And the answer is...E) none of the above

Sue isn't waiting for any of these grandmotherly things to happen. She is actually waiting for the timer on the dishwasher to go off so she can grab all the dildos she just got done washing and show everyone on TV how bendable and easy to clean they are.

Sue is the host of "The Sunday Night Sex Show". I can't tell you what channel or time the show comes on (I'm assuming Sunday because of the name), because I keep forgetting things due to the electro shock therapy treatments I've been getting to try and burn the shows image out of my mind. On the fateful night that I came upon this frightful show I was drunk, and there was absolutely nothing else on worth watching. My interest was immediately peaked when I read the title. Usually anything to do with sex I'm willing to give a chance. When I read the little show synopsis that my cable company gives me, there was no mention of an eighty year old woman what so ever. Maybe it's just me, but I would think that this would be a key point to elaborate on when describing what your sex show is about.
Now I consider myself pretty open minded, but when I saw that old woman come out my jaw dropped and my expression was frozen. The first thing she did was start talking about bum sex, and I don't mean sex with homeless people. She was saying bum sex this, and bum sex that, and she just wouldn't shut up. I tried with all my might to look away but it was like watching a horrible train wreck and I didn't know weather to cry or cower in the corner. As if this wasn't enough she then proceeded to pull out a huge black dildo and starts telling every in TV land how versatile and great feeling it was as she waved it carelessly around in the air. Then she started to do some kind of try it before you buy it segment where she has these new products that she tries out on herself so we the consumes know which freakin toy works the best on eighty year old women without having to actually purchase it. This particular programs new toy was a mechanical mouth with a huge vibrating tongue that she starts pulling on with one of her old wrinkly hands right before she gets to talking about bum sex again. Thank God a commercial came on when it did, or I may have been frozen in that position with my eyes bugged out of my head forever.
I immediately ran upstairs and took a shower, because I knew that something very dirt had just happened.

And that my friends is my warning to you to go cautiously into watching new programs because they never tell you when there is going to be an eighty year old woman with a dildo taking about the joys of bum sex.

Odd Habit

For my birthday this last weekend I went with some friends to an amusement park.
It was hot.
I mean really hot.
Africa hot.
Anyway due to the heat I had to pull over at various times to go in the bathroom and splash some water on myself. It was during one of these splash sessions that I noticed an odd habit that one of the fellow amusement park visitors had.
Usually when I use the urinal I'll step up unbutton my fly and let'er rip. This particular odd habited guy was standing at the urinal with his pants and underwear all the way down at his feet. Now I'm not one to go looking at dudes while their peeing, but I couldn't miss this particular guy because his white ass was just hanging there out of place with everyone else's covered asses. I was a bit taken back that none of the others guys there were freeked out or even seemed to notice this guy standing in the middle of the urinal row with his ass just out there shining like he's leading Santas sleigh or something.

Is it just me or does anyone else find this weird and disturbing? Are there more guys out there that just drop their pants and let their ass blow in the wind while they pee? Shouldn't there be some kind of "NO SHOWING YOUR ASS TO THE OTHER DUDES" sign?

From that moment on I started just walking around hot instead of venturing into the bathroom and getting an unwanted surprise.

Lie to Me Day

I just took three shots of tequila and looked at the calendar. Apparently today is "Lie to Me Day". I'm not sure what kind of calendar it is or who celebrates it, but I figure it's as good a reason as any to go drinking.

Since I haven't got any pics for the Scavenger Hunt yet, I thought maybe this could be an interesting topic to comment on. I'm inviting you guys to comment and tell me the biggest thing you've ever lied about (feel free to post anonymously). Have fun clearing your conscious.


Don't forget tomorrow's my birthday

Birthday Alert

Yes my birthday is Friday, thank you for asking.
I hope to last longer than last year when I had a pinata filled with little airplane size booze bottles. I felt it my duty to down as many of them as possible, in as as little time as possible. I remember swinging at the pinata then waking up the next morning with the distinct feeling that I need to call up everyone that was at my party and apologize (not sure what I was apologizing for, just knew it needed to be done). The pinata birthday was actually tame compared to the year before when I woke up the day after with my pants on and my underwear in the trash. This year I'm taking precautions by steering clear of pinatas and duct taping my underwear down.

Drunken Unibrow Standings

Sorry I haven't posted in a while, I think I was drunk.

There was only one drunken Haiku entry turned in (by jagua piru), so I'm not giving out a haiku winner this week.

I don't want to write everyone's name down, so I'm just going to list the top 5 points leaders in the Drunken Scavenger Hunt contest:

howdy- 10 points
jagua piru- 15 points
skeeter master-18 points
bovine bashers wife- 18 points
big daddy- 26 points

Big Daddy has a commanding lead, but that could change at any moment, due to the fact that I just get drunk and make up points anyway.

Here's the new Haiku and Scavenger Hunt subject:
Someone or something that looks like someone, or something famous.

for example, if you have an uncle that looks like Rosie O'Donnell, then send me a picture of him and Rosie and I'll put it up for the bloggers to compare.


Rules Recap:

1- get drunk
2- send me a picture, or write a hiaku

Women of Sports

At the moment I'm drunk, and I've decided to do a feature called-

Women of Sports that I'm in Love With

This is Sonya"The Black Widow" Thomas. I want to marry her, and not just because I'm drunk. I want to wed this woman, because she can eat 37 hot dogs (bun and all) in like 12 minutes. That's right I said 37 (give or take 3 or 4). In the world of competitive eating she has no match ( except that skinny asian guy that always wins). I am currently writing a love song for her (because I'm drunk), and I hope to unveil it soon.

In a sport dominated by men it is awesome to see a woman with such determination and drive compete to see how many hot dogs she can stuff in her mouth in 12 minutes. This sport is spreading like wildfire, and I'm proud to see my Sonya making a name for women.


Sonya keep shovin and I'll keep lovin

This drunken scavenger hunt pic was sent in by Bovine Bashers Wife. This is an awesome unibrow. Notice how the unibrow is actually connected to his beard. I'd hate to see this guys back. Posted by Picasa

This is a picture of the "Slug on the Sofa Doll" I spotted on e-bay. Now that's a unibrow!
-big daddy  

I'm not sure if this will offend anyone, but I thought this was a pretty awesome picture of "W". He's looking pretty hot with his unibrow. :)

I thought it might be a good topic to write a haiku about, but I couldn't think of anything to rhyme with dumbass....maybe one of your regular bloggers can think of something. :)

--Aim 

Ok here is the picture that jagua piru sent in that I mentioned in the previous post. Maybe it makes more sense now. 

This was sent in by jagua piru, who also says that:
"I am going out drinking happy-hour margharitas after work today with my friend, Blanca, who is from Mexico. For that reason, I am submitting a drunken self portrait of Freda Kahlo, Mexican Painter." I must say that she is the queen of unibrows, it was an entity all it's own, so I decided to give jagua pira 5 points .

But then I got this pic from Howdy, of Salma , who doesn't have a unibrow here but played Frida in the movie, and because of the breast factor gets 5 more points than jagua piru.

Skeeter Master suprised me today, by actually sending in a pic of something other than Fat Elvis. Skeeter you get extra points for a chick with a unibrow, and then you trump that by having a chick with a gun. Great work. 

Drunken Eye Patch Results

Scavenger Hunt Rules

The first ever Drunken Scavengerblog Hunt was a success. Great pics guys!! Here's the tally so far:

Bovine Basher- 2 points (starfish pirate)
Howdy- 3 points (gay pirate)
Skeeter Master- 5 points (fat Elvis)
Heather- 8 points (drunken Capt. Morgan)
Wife of Bovine Basher- 8 points (scary swashbuckling cat puppet)
Josh- 10 points (clothes hanger sock hook hand pirate)
Seamhead- 10 points (one armed bandit)
Big Daddy- 15 points (goat frolicker)


We are moving on now, but you can still turn in Eye Patch pics for points. And before I announce the next scavenger hunt item, I'd like to announce the winner of the Drunken Eye Patch haiku contest:

My brother-in-law
he wears an eye patch, no lie
poor sucker one eye

-Howdy

It was a tough decision (I almost went with Diva's seagull poop one), but this one sounded kind of like a Shel Silverstein poem to me, so I drank a beer and said screw it Howdy wins.

Ok, now for what you've been waiting for the next **Drunken Scavenger Hunt Item**, and the next drunken haiku subject:

UNIBROWS

Yep you heard me, get drunk and send in your best picture of any Burt and Ernie lookin person or thing you can find (if not apparently a picture of fat Elvis will work)


Happy Hunting

Ummm... This was sent in by Big Daddy. Even though I don't know what he's reaching for, this is exactly what Drunken Scavenger Hunting is about. How did you know that naked goat frolicking would get you extra points? (15 points) 

This was sent in by skeeter master as a drunken eye patch scavenger hunt entry. I think this proves that I will except anything as an entry. There is no eye patch in this picture, just a fat Elvis. Good job skeeter- 5 points. 

Wow, nice Drunken Scavenger Hunting seamhead. 10 points

This was sent in from wife of bovinebasher. Please don't ask me any questions about it, because I have no clue either. 

seamhead I only have four words for you- great scavenger hunt picture. 

Friday's Deja Vu Show Review

I suck at reviewing my own shows, so luckily Travis wrote a great one up on his blog that you can get to by clicking on Big Thoughts, Little Man in my links column (you might even win some spam).
Skeeter Master also wrote some stuff on his blog that is supposed to be related to my show, but I'm still not sure how yet (if you are faint of heart, an expectant mother, or don't have a therapist, I would recommend that you stay away from this blog). If you do decide to tempt the fates and check it out please let me know what kind of disorder you think Skeeter has, because he definitely has something off balance.

Also I am going to announce the next Drunken Scavenger Hunt item and the winner of the eye patch haiku contest this weekend, so get your eye patch stuff turned in.

till then,
Keep Drinking, Hunting and Haikuing

This just in from Howdy for his Scavenger hunt pic. Howdy are you Captain Feathersword?  

This Drunken Eye Patch Scavenger Hunt pic was sent in by anonymous.  

This just in from bovinebasher. He gets extra Drunken Scavenger Hunt points, because I've seen him get drunk and wear this same outfit. 

This Drunken Scavenger Hunt pic was sent in by Heather. This gets extra points because it looks like Capt. Morgan is actually getting a refill on his drink while this photo was being taken. Drunk guys in eye patches rock  

Looks like Josh is the first to turn in a Scavengerhunt picture. In fact looks like he liked it so much he sent two. What kind of points should I give for this? 

II 

New Contest

Ok guys I admit it, my posting contest was pretty much a lead balloon, so I am going to try something new- A Drunken Blog Scavenger Hunt.
Yes you heard right, a scavenger hunt contest to beat all contest. With my new found ability to post pictures, I think this contest will be cool. This might suck too, but I thought I would at least give you guys something to do besides haiku (the haiku contest is still going by the way).

The Rules:
1) get drunk
2)get on line and find out what I've assigned you to find that week
3)get drunk again
4)go find the that thing I assigned you, and take a picture
5)call me and we'll go get drunk together
6)e-mail your picture to paulntheviolentfarmers@yahoo.com
7)drink some water so you don't have a hangover


When I get your scavenger hunt picture I will give you points based on creativity, drunkenness, and whatever else I feel like. The first one to 100 points wins, and don't worry about coming in late or missing a week, because I'll except late submissions. Anyone can enter, just don't bitch if you get crappy points.


The Prize:

A brand new cool as hell Paul and The Violent Farmers T-shirt customized to your liking.


Week One Subject:

Since I'm on this subject for some reason, your assignment for week one, is to find someone or something with an eye patch and take a picture. Extra points if that something is a naked hot chick.


Good luck hunting and drinking

This is a picture of me from last night at Stanfords Comedy Club. It's a little smokey looking, because my brother took it while lighting up. Can you tell I'm wearing an eye patch?  

Check it out, I made it on to the big sign 

New Deja Vu Date

Ok guys I'm going to try again. I'm rescheduled to play at the Deja Vu comedy house in Columbia, MO (there is a link to a map on my website) on Friday, June 17th. Cross your fingers that old mother nature doesn't do me in again.

Also if your not doing anything tonight, I'm supposed to be playing at the Island Bar in Lee's Summit for a friends birthday.

ps- I haven't had very many drunken haiku lately, so I'm going to give you guys another topic- people with eye patches. Enjoy

Gently Holding the Baton for a Short Period

Yep. Call the authorities. I do exist. It's me, the infamous Josh. I know many of you, mostly Roger, began to think that me posting was as likely as Pauls Columbia show not getting rained out. But, after Rogers invitation, I decided that perhaps it was time. Just what to post about I am unsure of, so I decided that I would do what I do best, bitch. Lets begin with gas prices. I'm not going to bitch about how high they are, but I am going to bitch about WHY they are so high? Granted the fact that we will soon run out of fossil fuels quicker then you can say "Bulldoze more Alaskan Tundra" but the biggest reason, or so I believe, that gas prices are so high is because of those soccer moms who feel the need to drive an SUV the size of a greyhound bus. Seriously, do you know that Fords full size SUV "Excursion" is over 20 feet long. You could seriously get lost in that thing. Why don't people just start to drive RV's everywhere? So while I'm filling up my 30cc Toyota Corolla, Billy the neighbor kids Mom has just drove 3.3 feet and it's time to go back to the gas station. And here I am paying higher gas prices because of it. Do you realize they charge these prices because we let them. Lets move on. I'm I the only one who is extremely angry about the 1,600 + American men and women who have died in Iraq? Didn't the Bush crime family declare mission accomplished 2 years ago. Enough is enough. Our president has broken the law, went against the U.N., and has made the liberals of America look like godless bastards, and no one is upset? I guess since he didn't cheat on his wife we cant impeach him.

Sorry to bring negative thoughts to the blog, but that's all I could think to post. Thanks for reading.

Sweating to the Oldies

I told this story at one of my shows awhile back, and I thought it would make a good post.

When I was in the seventh grade, I was a bit on the husky side. At the time my mother had a membership at a local health club. A health club is not something you would usually associate my mom with, mainly due to the fact that she is a big fan of the cigarettes.
Anyway she told me that if I lost ten pounds by my birthday, that she would get me a membership in her gym. In the seventh grade I was game for anything sounding even remotely adult, so I agreed (also I wasn't realizing that she was asking me to lose the equivalent of two sacks of sugar). I didn't eat lunch for two months, and slowly but surely was able to get down to health club weight by my birthday.

The Big Day!!!

Finally my birthday arrived, and the new slim trim me was anxious to get that gym membership. I hurried through the cake and ice cream, trying to speed up to the gift giving section of the party. Then my mother told me to waite while she went and got my present. A couple of minutes later she comes in with my birthday suprise- a nice new goat. That's right I said goat. I asked her what happened to the health club membership, and she said " Oh I quit that months ago". I was devastated.

This particular goat that she got me was a nanny goat. For those of you who don't know, a nanny goat is a mother goat that is full of milk. Seeing as it was my goat, it then became my duty to get up at five o'clock every morning and milk her before I went to school. The problem with getting up every morning at five o'clock to milk a goat, is that after awhile your mom assumes that you really like milking goats, and buys you another. Pretty soon your getting up at two o'clock in the morning so you can milk an entire herd of freaking goats. Don't ask me where all the baby goats where, because I don't know. She just kept showing up with these damn kidless goats that were full of milk.

And that my friends is why I drink.

Another Try at Passing the Baton

Ok, Ok. I'll try again. Sorry about that last baton pass. I didn't know he'd say 'Our fair Paul.' I didn't know he'd write 'Mianmar.' Even if he could spell it I still wouldn't know where the hell it is. And I sure as hell didn't know he liked flannel sheets. And for those who asked, sorry guys, he's married to a woman.

If you guys still want to do it, we can set him on fire. I don't want to see him in a loin cloth again though. Once, Once.

So, let's try someone new. Josh are you there? Are you afraid to post? Don't be. If it sucks we'll just make fun of you and call you names. That's not so bad is it?

Paulie and I also took the extraordinary steps of inviting our blog pal Howdy aboard. Mainly, because he likes making fun of Jeff almost as much as we do.

Also, I will finally post something good over the long weekend. I've been working on a tale about the myriad ways Paulie has been shot down by women.

Passing the Baton

I have been unable to fulfill my duties as designated poster. It's not because of all the charges the police have filed against me. I'm just a lazy bastard. However, I am innocent of all the charges.

So I'm passing the baton to Jeff. He whined like a lonely puppy to get on the contributor list, and we've only seen one crappy post out of him. He hasn't even come close to winning a haiku contest either. Let's try to get something out of him.

Speaking of the contributors, who is this freakin' Josh dude? Has anyone ever read a post or a Haiku by him? Does he really exist? I heard he was a cow bell player, but that may have been a rumor.

I apologize for being a lazy bastard. I hope Jeff isn't as lazy because God knows he's an ugly bastard. I'd hate to be both.

I'll leave you with some drunken haiku.

Handsome Chamorro
that lazy bastard has a
beautiful bald head

Rain, Rain, Go Away

Sorry about not posting for awhile, I was busy crying in my beer over yet another show cancellation due to the weather. I haven't got a definite on when my show will be rescheduled yet, but I know it won't be until a couple of weeks when the college kids get back in town. In the meantime I think I'm going to hit a couple of open mic nights at the comedy club here in Kansas City, so I don't get to rusty.

I'm still having the drunken haiku contest though, so please keep sending those haiku in (so far I only have one).

Seamhead where is your post?
If you don't get a post in within a couple of days, I'm going to have to move on to the next contestant. You don't want that do you?



Hand stretched out waiting
for the first rain drop to fall
and crap on my show



Keep on Keepin on

We Have a Mimeku Winner!!!

Mime for a girlfriend
she's great in the sack, but I
think she's faking it

by- Aimee


Thank heavens, we can now stop writing haiku about mimes.

Aimee you now join the other weekly winners at a chance to win the big prize. I'm not sure what that prize is going to be, but it's going to rock.
This weeks haiku subject is anything you want except for mimes. No mimes!! If anyone writes about mimes they are off my cool person list, and it will take a hell of a lot of ass kissing to get back on.

Now that the nasty mime thing is out of the way, it has come to my attention that I haven't been posting very often. I apologize for this, and in an effort to have my blog change more often I am going to propose another contest.
I am going to appoint a new person every week to make a post to this blog, and with the help of everyone's comments and criticisms I will pick the best one to give an even bigger prize than the haiku prize. There are no rules to the posting, but you should be drunk when you write it.

And the privilege of being the first contest poster goes to Seamhead.
Good luck seamhead just post something and we will tell you if it sucks.

Keep the haiku coming

NO SHOW AGAIN

My show tonight was cancelled again guys.
Apparently It's going to be crap weather every Friday. Never the less I'm rescheduled in again in two weeks.

New date:
Friday, May 13th at 10:30 & 11:30 on the front deck of the Deja Vu

Weather Permitting

Anonymous Haiku Pulls Trough

Holding you tightly,
cool porcelain feels so good,
I love you toilet.

by- anonymous


anonymous gets the nod for the week 6 title with this haiku gem, and I would like to respond with my own:

don't know who you are
week 6 drunken haiku czar
keep the flame alive


As some of you may remember, a couple of post back I said I was being hired to play a bachelor party this month. Well Saturday the big party finally happened.
The guys hired three acts for the night- a mime, me, and a stripper.

Did I mention the mime?

I was glad to find that the mime did not get naked. He mainly twirled plates, and juggled, although he did act out a disturbing rendition of my "Cowboy" song.
The stripper/dancer, while not the most beautiful girl, wasn't ugly, and she did get naked.

I love strippers/dancers!!

The party ended with the guys picking their fantasy football draft order with the help of the stripper/dancer and six ping pong balls.

Did I mention I love strippers/dancers?
************

Anyway I thought that I would try something new with the drunken haiku this week. I want to try doing a theme.
And in honor of the bachelor party, the theme for this week will be - Mimes!!!

So send in your drunken mime haiku, and we'll see how it goes.

Sorry Guys

Damn weather.

I'm rescheduled in at the VU on 4/29/5, which should be next Friday at 10:30 and 11:30

Weather Permitting!!!

CANCELLATION!!!!!!!!!!

**UPDATE**
The big show has been cancelled because of the weather. Paul says it will be rescheduled for next Friday or the one after that. I will post it here as soon as I know. I will be at the show when it is rescheduled. We can get new plans going as soon as we know which day it will be. Paulie wants to thank everyone who was coming. He appreciates the effort and hopes you can come to the rescheduled show.

Don't be Blue Week 4 Haiku

The wait is over ladies and gentlemen, we have our first official haiku entry with an improper syllable count.
I was waiting for this to happen so I could dish out my very first"to drunk to count" award (2D2C for short).
And the winner of the first ever 2D2C is:

You all are extremely
sick and need to Get A Life
like everyone else

by- Anonymous


Anonymous, I counted that first line like 10 times and I came up with 6 syllables every time. Congratulations you are officially "to drunk to count".
You will have a shiny new"2D2C" button waiting for you in the office.

Keep counting and drinking anonymous, keep counting and drinking.



And now for the actual week 4 haiku winner:
***************************************
I can't find my car
It's somewhere near the bar
Inebriation

by- MD
***************************************

Nice job MD.
You win mainly because you reminded me that I need to go down town and find where I left my car last night.
You join DLS and the week 1 winner, battling it out for that cool first place prize.

Now here is a haiku to get you started for this weeks contest:

i, like Cher, wish that
i also could turn back time
only not so far

Good luck with the drinking and counting


ps- There is going to be a comedy act before my show on Friday (8:00), and if you want to go let me know so I can reserve a table.

New Gig Announcement

Hey guys I told you I had a new gig announcement coming up, and it has been finalized. I'll be playing in Columbia at the Deja Vu comedy house on April 22. I'm scheduled for 2 shows on the back deck at 10:30 and 11:30. I will have directions on my main page soon, so keep checking back.

Winner of Haiku for You Week Three & Two

Ok here's what happened, I got drunk and missed last weeks haiku winner announcement and now to be fair I should actually announce two winners this week.

Just kidding, that's to much flippin work.

I thought long and hard last night while I was sleeping, and woke up with my decision - No more tequila. This was not an easy decision for me. Tequila and I go way back. We're like potato and salad, we don't look like we go together, but when we do it's always a freakin party.

Sorry I'm not sure what that was, but here is the haiku winner for weeks two and three:

Drunken Mantra
You're so beautiful
I think I'm in love with you.
What's your name again?

DLS

Congratulations DLS, for a win with your very first haiku published on the site. I was having a tough decision until I got to DLS's haiku. DLS, I think you captured the essence of what Drunken Haiku is all about.
I think we can all feel your pain.

DLS is now in the running for the big prize along with week one's winner. Still not sure what that is, but it will be freaking cool when I find out.

I am now going to leave you guys with this haiku to get you started for this weeks haiku (again just enter your haiku in any comment section, and I'll get it):


midgets make me laugh
i'm not sure why, they just do
i'm going to hell


Good luck with the haiku and drinking

Drunken Haiku Redo

I apologize for not posting the haiku winner this week, but I was gone all weekend with no access to a computer. Because of this and the fact that I don't have many entries this week, I am extending this weeks haiku challenge until Friday.

apparently some of you are a little confused as to were to post your haiku. Just click on any comment section that you want and post it. I get everything that is posted on this site to my e-mail, so I won't miss it.

Another reason for extending the contest is that last weeks winner Seamhead is in the lead again this week, and he appears to think that no one can beat him. Someone please take up this challenge, because his head is already big enough from winning last week.

Also keep checking back, because I am going to have a new gig announcement coming soon (and this one is not at the Island).

Hilarious or Horrifying?

Tell me, do you find this site hilarious or horrifying? Check it out and come back.

I found it to be much like a Paulie song, horrifying and hilarious. It doesn't skirt the edge of taste. It wears giant boots and tramples the boundaries of taste. I don't know. Maybe the horror adds to the hilarity.

That's the funny thing about tasteful. It varies by someone's personal, um . . . taste. One person's beautiful nipple is another person's flaming indecency. And I know which side of that debate Paulie is on.

So someday long in the future will they trace the death of the United States to the great nipple flash? I suspect that will not be the case. I believe they will trace it to allowing our elected officials to go on television and blather endlessly about shit they nothing about.

So carry on your tasteless crusade, Paulie. The Violent Farmers will march behind you. Maybe some day those politicians will be on TV blathering about you.

Friday's Show & Week One Drunken Haiku Winner

I mark Friday's show as my worst yet.
It had all the starting ingredients of a great show- It was my friend Nikki's birthday (she's hot), I was recording the show live, I had on my good pants, and it was Good Friday. Now that I look back that last one may have been the problem(or maybe it was the pants).
Signs fell down behind me in the middle of the show, the jukebox came on during the Torso Girl song, I forgot words to one of my songs, and some drunk guy trying to be cool and do the air guitar rock dance fell into my guitar and took out the sound system. The drunk guy did offer to buy me a drink though, so that's cool.
I am officially putting that show behind me and will mention it no more.

Now to what you guys have been waiting for- The results from the first week of the drunken haiku competition.

I received 17 haiku (I think. I counted them when I was drunk so that's not a given).
If the competition would have been called All Hopped Up On Crack Cocaine Haiku, then Bovinebasher would have won hands down.
Howdy and Jeff appear to have a bit of a haiku war going on, which I encourage whole heartedly (the drunken haiku is mightier than the sword my friends).
Jeff appeared to be the front runner to win with the double jointed twins haiku, but a late entry from Seamhead made my decision close.

And the winner is... Seamhead


What is that thing on
my penis? Do I need some
antibiotics?


(the deciding factor was Seamheads use of a five syllable word to end his poem-pure haiku genius!!)

Congratulations Seamhead you are know in the running to win the big prize!!! I'm not sure what that prize is yet, but it will be awesome.
And to start off next weeks round of drunken haiku, I offer up this:

Movie Night
Laying on the couch
watching for her big nude scene
To grab the lotion


Good luck with the haiku and drinking.
Keep checking back for new show dates.

My Drunken Haiku Corner

For those of you who were asleep during the haiku chapter in school, I will give you a quick lesson (for those of you who were awake- why?)
Haiku is some sort of ancient Asian poetry (Japanese maybe? Who knows?), that is made up of three lines. The first line has has five syllables, seven syllables on the next line, and five again on the last line. Pretty easy.

A couple of years ago I was drunk at a bar with my friend Amy, and in our drunken stupor we made a pact to write a haiku each day and e-mail them to each other for one year. It sounded like a good idea at the time, but then again we were drunk.
It sucked. We made it for about two weeks, before we decided to just do seven haiku at the end of the week instead of e-mailing one each day.
One weeks later we decided to cut our year down to six months, and to just e-mail them when we had time.
Two weeks after that we decided to just stop and spend more time at the bar.

Any way the other day I was at the bar again and after Amy hit me in the head with an ash tray I decided that maybe I should spend more time writing haiku.

I thought I would post one here every week, and then let you guys post your own in the comment section. I'll pick the best haiku from your responses and post it here the following week, and then in two months or so I'll give a prize to the best one. Also this is drunken haiku, so if you screw up on syllables or slur your haiku it still counts.

If this sucks or I decide to just start drinking again I'll let you know.
Here's my first one, enjoy:


The Good Life
whacking off all day
throwing dung at everyone
monkeys got it good

Recording In Progress!!!

I just used my tax refund ($68), to purchase some sweet recording equipment. It has a crap load of buttons!!! With a little duct tape and bailing twine I even got it to turn on. One of the main reasons I got such a great deal was because it didn't come with any booklets, but that's ok because I've had nothing but bad experiences with instruction manuals anyway.

Josh (the cowbell guy) apparently was captain of the high tech team in high school, so I'm letting him push most of the buttons. Our first attempts at recording came out great except for it didn't play in stereo, and we were picking up the neighbors phone calls. Apparently the the neighbor girl thinks I'm cute, which is cool except that she's like 12.
These are ony minor set backs, and hopefully I will be coming out with a full fledged "Paul And The Violent Farmers" CD soon. Keep checking back for more progress.


ps- I've got another gig at the Island on March 25th

Amer-Asian Day

Paulie was again in fine form for the Amer-Asian Day show. He forced to me learn 'Kung Fu Fighting' right before the show. It turned out pretty good especially after Josh the Cowbell Player commandeered the microphone.

The highlight of the show was when the trucker from Paul's famous Trucker song sent a note onstage from the parking lot. Apparently, word had spread. Paulie had a convoy waiting outside.

He backed off his performance of the conjoined midget twins song because there was a midget at the show. I wonder what happens someday when a torso girl shows up.

All in all another fantastic evening. I just have one question. Who was that stud that opened the show for him?

Post Amerasian Day Gig

Have you hugged an Amerasian today? March 4th is Amerasian day, and I am planning a big Amerasian party at the Island Bar and Grill, so mark your calendars.

To help prepare for the show, I played a set Friday (2/18/5) at the Island.

It was my friend Steve Brown's 38th birthday. He brought his whole posse to the show, which consisted of him and his girlfriend who where locked at the tongue the entire night.
My mom also came to check out my act, and to my relief was not locked at the tongue with anyone. I'm not sure she liked the animal sex song, but she thought the trucker song was sweet.

The show seemed to go well, in fact one of the tables liked me so much that they are hiring me to do a Bachelor party for one of their friends (I'm gonna start cutting down on the carbs tomorrow so I can fit in the cake).

And that my friends was pretty much the highlights of my Pre Amerasian Day gig.
Hope to see you guys on the 4th

Drunken Nascar Tailgater

Hey you Violent Farmers. I'm Roger. The original Violent Farmer. I was a Violent Farmer before Paulie ever even thought of them. I was a Violent Farmer before 'Drunk Woman' was written. I've seen Paulie get shot down by hundreds of women. I've rolled Paulie for his beer money after he passed out drunk in the car. I kept Paulie's bail money in my top drawer for years.

The above picture depicts a standard Paulie pose. Here he is at 8:30 am preparing to spend the day boozing and losing money to me at the Nascar race. Twenty hours after this picture was taken he probably wrote a song.

My Wisconsin Gig

My good friend Jen hooked me up with a gig in Madison, Wisconsin on Jan 16th. I played the "Slumberland" Christmas party, and rocked the house.
After my show the owner of the Bowling alley where the Christmas party was being held, asked me if I'd like to play a bunch of Volley Ball tournements that they were having.
I don't think I'm going to play the Volley Ball circuit this year, but if I don't get any better offers I may be doing a Wisconsin Volley Ball tour next Spring, so get your train tickets reserved early.

I Wrote This When I Was Drunk!

Check out my new website....www.iwrotethiswheniwasdrunk.com...it'll have all kinds of super cool info about me and my gigs. It's a work in progress, but check back often for new stuff!!